Navigating Scotland’s Culinary Landscape in a Performance Estate: A Festive Food Expedition
The crisp, invigorating air of Scotland in late December often presents a stark contrast to the sybaritic indulgences enjoyed by some in more temperate climes. While colleagues might find themselves ensconced in plush ale houses, for those of us venturing north of the border, the true spirit of festive gastronomy lies in a more elemental pursuit. This year, my photographic collaborator, Max, and I embarked on a grand expedition – a two-day mission to procure every constituent of our own three-course Christmas banquet, along with accompanying libations, directly from the artisans and producers who bring these culinary treasures to life. The challenge? To orchestrate this ambitious culinary quest, and crucially, to select the perfect chariot for the journey.
The practicalities of transporting a celebratory centrepiece like a whole turkey, let alone an assortment of artisanal accompaniments, quickly dismissed notions of smaller, more specialized vehicles. We required a machine that could comfortably house our expanding larder while simultaneously offering a spirited performance capable of conquering Scotland’s notoriously capricious weather and winding rural byways. The forecast, as is often the case, painted a vivid picture of gale-force winds and relentless precipitation, demanding a vehicle that exuded confidence and assured grip.
Enter the BMW M3 CS Touring. This exceptional machine, with its generous 1510 litres of cargo space with the rear seats folded, its breathtaking 3.5-second sprint to 62mph, and a top speed of 186mph, coupled with an intelligent, switchable all-wheel-drive system, presented itself as almost custom-built for this precise undertaking. It was, in essence, an impeccably wrapped gift, perfectly suited to the task at hand.
This generously equipped, leather-lined, five-seat estate car is, frankly, a marvel of engineering. Conceived with track-day prowess in mind, its specifications read like a high-performance enthusiast’s dream. Boasting a formidable 543 horsepower (an increase of 20bhp over its predecessor, the Competition model), it incorporates advanced materials such as carbon fibre panels, a 3D-printed cylinder head, a lightweight crankshaft, and suspension components featuring enhanced rose joints. The fluid circuits are engineered to withstand the extreme g-forces encountered on a racetrack, a testament to its performance pedigree.
Our initial foray along the M90 from Edinburgh towards Loch Leven proved to be a surprisingly refined experience. At the touch of a button, the special titanium silencer hushed the M3’s formidable growl to a mere murmur. The suspension, even on this stretch of motorway, offered a commendably muted level of jostle, and the steering remained steady and precise. The only significant intrusion was an intermittent roar from the Michelin Pilot Sport 4 S tyres – 19-inch at the front and 20-inch at the rear – a noise that, while present, was largely dependent on the road surface.
It wasn’t long before we deviated from the main arteries, venturing into the more secluded enclaves of Glen Devon and Dunning Glen. Here, the B934, a road that embraced the contours of the landscape, proved to be damp, narrow, yet delightfully smooth. It twisted and turned with engaging precision between wooded hillsides, painted in a rich tapestry of greens and browns that evoked a sense of the whimsical. In its most relaxed Auto mode, the M3 flowed effortlessly, the eight-speed ZF torque converter delivering timely and elastic gear changes. Despite the car’s two-metre width, the ultra-precise steering allowed us to place it with uncanny accuracy, nudging it to within a tyre tread of the road’s edge, a feat that even seemed to impress a pair of startled red squirrels.
Cresting a rise, our gaze fell upon the substantial premises of Simon Howie Butchers, situated on the outskirts of Dunning, adjacent to Mr. Howie’s own idyllic farmhouse. This is a genuine local success story: a business that began with a humble village butcher’s shop and has since expanded to encompass two branches in neighbouring towns. More impressively, Simon Howie supplies a significant proportion of the UK’s major supermarkets and holds the distinction of being the nation’s largest producer of haggis, churning out an astonishing 1.3 million units between Christmas and Burns Night alone.
While the proprietor was away, operations manager Robbie Crook graciously offered us a comprehensive tour. Our first stop was the aptly named “pudding room,” where the rich, savoury aroma of black pudding immediately set our appetites aflame. However, our primary objective was haggis. This iconic Scottish dish, a hearty blend of minced pork, beef, and lamb offal, enriched with oatmeal, barley, and a carefully guarded selection of seasonings, is a cornerstone of our festive menu. Simon Howie also produces gluten-free and vegetarian variations, with Mr. Crook noting that the latter often serves as a “gateway haggis” for the uninitiated. The creation of haggis balls, dipped in batter and rolled in breadcrumbs, transforms this national delicacy into delightful, bite-sized appetisers, an ideal starting point for our Christmas feast.
Next, we moved to the bacon room, its air imbued with the sweet, smoky notes of cured pork. Here, Mr. Crook explained their meticulous process: streaky cuts of pork belly are hand-rubbed with a dry cure, aged for up to ten days, then smoked for four to six hours over wood chips. Following this, the bacon is machine-sliced and artfully wrapped around pork chipolatas, culminating in our first delectable side dish: pigs in blankets.
With these crucial components secured, we returned to the M3. The wind had intensified, and the rain began to lash down with earnest intent. A hedgerow-hugging B-road led us across the now swollen River Earn, its currents teeming with salmon making their determined journey westward to spawn. The sheltered stretches of road soon became littered with fallen branches, and water began to collect at the verges – a clear indication that this was decidedly not Morgan Super 3 weather.
The BMW’s M xDrive system, a rear-biased but fully variable multi-plate clutch arrangement, performed admirably. It faithfully deployed all the available power, allowing us to carve confident arcs through the challenging conditions, without a hint of instability in the steering. The only notable exception was encountering patches of standing water, which did induce a degree of skittishness in the CS. Even with the least track-focused of the three available tyre options, they were clearly being pushed beyond their optimal operating parameters.
We bypassed Crieff, opting instead to ascend into the wilder terrain of the Sma’ Glen, its slopes ablaze with the crimson hues of ferns and heather. The road then continued upwards, leading us through exposed upland sections towards Amulree. In its supplest setting, the M3’s adaptive suspension ensured a comfortable ride, though a degree of noticeable reactivity over a few bobbly sections on the descent into Dunkeld was unavoidable.
Despite the sodden conditions, Dunkeld proved to be a picturesque gem. Thomas Telford’s elegant seven-arch bridge gracefully spans the handsome River Tay, guiding us into the heart of this tiny, ancient town. On a narrow lane, leading towards the venerable 700-year-old cathedral, we carefully manoeuvred the BMW into a parking space directly in front of The Clootie Dumpling café. Our quest here was for the sweet course of our festive meal.
Mike and Jacinta Cairney’s establishment specializes in the eponymous Scottish spiced cake, prepared according to the cherished recipe of Mike’s mother, affectionately known as Granny Margaret. “Mum would make clootie dumpling for our birthday tea, with a 10 pence piece inside,” Mike reminisces. “If there was any left, she’d fry it up the next morning with bacon and eggs, haggis, black pudding, and Lorne sausage.” This nostalgic recollection is a common thread for many of the café’s patrons, who visit seeking a taste of their own childhood experiences. Clootie dumplings remain a beloved tradition at weddings, Christmas, and Hogmanay celebrations.
Jacinta graciously detailed their preparation method. A dry mixture of flour, fat, breadcrumbs, raisins, sultanas, brown and white sugar, ginger, and spices is combined. This is then beaten by hand with treacle, eggs, and milk. A piece of cloth, or ‘cloot’, is brought to a scalding point in boiling water, then laid out and sprinkled with flour, forming the characteristic chewy skin of the dumpling. The cake mixture is poured into the prepared cloth, which is then tied securely, and the entire ensemble is boiled for a considerable four hours. I was presented with a generous, warm slice, accompanied by fresh cream. It was, quite simply, a revelation – mellower and considerably lighter than a traditional Christmas pudding. We departed with an enormous half clootie dumpling, a sweet and satisfying addition to our growing culinary haul.
Under full storm conditions, we navigated eastward towards Angus, traversing saturated country roads. The sheer volume of standing water made it feel as though we were piloting a vessel akin to an ekranoplan, skimming across the surface. The subsequent 36 miles were necessarily slow-paced, characterized by a visibility of no more than 200 metres. The twin mono-scroll, 2.1-bar turbos of the 3.0-litre straight-six engine were reduced to a soft, breathy sigh, their usual ferocity momentarily subdued by the elements.
We were immensely grateful for the warm welcome awaiting us at South Powrie Farm, situated just north of Dundee. Here, we had arranged to discuss the pièce de résistance of our festive meal – the turkey – with Thomas and Susannah Pate. Their farm is one of a select few across the United Kingdom entrusted with rearing the KellyBronze breed, renowned for its unparalleled flavour. The Pates maintain a flock of 600 turkeys, which arrive as day-old chicks that could, astonishingly, all fit within the confines of the M3’s interior. We, of course, required only one, which is fortunate, as these birds can reach weights of up to 15kg. Our initial plan to meet the flock was thwarted; they were wisely seeking refuge from the downpour within their field shelter. We resolved to return the following morning, hoping for a break in the continental cloud cover.
At 8 am the next day, we were greeted by a chaotic symphony of clucks, squawks, and yelps. The highly inquisitive turkeys performed a waddling sprint to meet us in their two-acre enclosure, a rich habitat of woodland and long grass. Their plumage was indeed a striking bronze, displaying a deep brown hue with an almost iridescent, rainbow-like sheen. The adolescent males sported prominent snoods and wattles – puce folds of skin above and below their beaks – and proudly fanned their tail feathers. However, gender proved to be an unreliable predictor of social standing; dominance was determined by a literal pecking order, with the more assertive individuals nipping feathers from their subordinates. One particularly ambitious character even took a tentative nibble at my wellington boots, followed by a brief encounter with my leg. I resolved to revisit this spirited bird in late December. For the present, we departed with a whole, frozen turkey, destined for our festive table.
In the immediate lead-up to Christmas, the Pates facilitate direct sales of fresh turkeys to the public, both from their farm and at designated collection points along the east coast. One such location also cultivates and sells vegetables, leading us to our next destination. We crossed the Tay Road Bridge into Fife, and finally, an opportunity presented itself to truly unleash the M3’s considerable capabilities.
In its most aggressive engine setting, the CS typically operates below 3000rpm. However, beyond this threshold, the acceleration is so forceful and relentless that it feels almost exponential. With the exhaust flaps fully open, the rising revs unleash an ever-louder, bass-heavy growl and a mounting sense of inductive aggression – certainly dramatic, if not entirely spine-tingling. The sweeping expanse of the A92 proved to be the M3’s ideal hunting ground, a road that it consumed with both pace and impeccable balance, the car seemingly melding with the asphalt beneath.
On the more intricate minor roads that followed, the M3 exhibited slightly less composure, both in terms of cornering inertia and ride suppleness. Nevertheless, the experience remained exhilarating, with the inflatable bolsters on the supportive bucket seats holding us firmly in place.
With the CS thoroughly warmed and running at optimal temperature, we pulled up outside Pittormie Fruit Farm, a compact, 35-acre site managed by Euan Cameron and his family. The farm shop, having concluded a successful summer of fruit sales, was shuttered. However, an honesty box in the egg shed continued to provide a steady supply of winter vegetables, which are also supplied to local restaurants and greengrocers. Mr. Cameron cultivates his diverse crops with an appealingly laissez-faire approach, utilizing minimal fertilizers and eschewing fungicides and irrigation. He expresses a disdain for the uniformity and lack of seasonality prevalent in much of today’s supermarket produce. “I don’t force things,” he states. “I like it to get there naturally. I don’t care if something is fugly.”
His ATV guided us to the vibrantly coloured brassica beds, where he unearthed for us a well-stocked sprout tree of the Bosworth variety, adorned with firm, green nuggets of Christmas cheer. Mr. Cameron then revealed an unfamiliar mass of purple-green leaves, carefully extricated from the soil. This was kalette, a hybrid of sprout and kale, whose florets cook to a crisp, offering a nutty alternative for those who find traditional sprouts unappealing.
This was also the ideal location for our potato procurement. Employing an old harvester that Mr. Cameron had ingeniously re-engineered himself, a modest plot of just two acres yields an impressive 22 varieties, many of which are niche. His preferred varieties for roasting are the drier types, including Kerrs Pink and Golden Wonder. However, the waxier Wilja is his personal favourite (prepared by boiling, oiling, and air-frying), so, along with a few carrots, we loaded a generous bag through the BMW’s rear hatch.
With tomatoes and apples to keep us occupied en route, we continued south across Fife’s characteristic rolling farmland, traversing gorse-lined B-roads. The perpetually faithful steering proved to be at its best in its heavier, more intuitive Sport mode; the lightness of the Comfort setting felt mismatched to the car’s considerable size and weight. We maintained a spirited pace, and the middle of the three gearbox settings, in both Auto and Manual modes, proved to be the most suitable. In Auto, it allowed sufficient revs without unnecessarily lingering in the upper ranges. In Manual, it responded with sufficient alacrity without the full-body convulsions that can accompany upshifts in the most aggressive setting. The optional, £8800 carbon-ceramic brakes were both commendably easy to modulate and thoroughly ruthless in their stopping power.
The main coastal road eventually halted our progress, and we pulled up beside a converted stone stable block that now houses Futtle Brewery. The brewery takes its name from an onomatopoeic Scots word describing the sound of pebbles being thrashed by the surf. A significant portion of the large, open space is occupied by stainless steel fermenters, where they brew high-quality, unfiltered organic lagers, wheat beers, spelt beers, and pale ales. In the corner, Ethan Russell Hogg expertly tended bar, keeping the LPs spinning. “Our beers are fresh and different, and take a long time to brew – six to eight weeks, sometimes more – which results in a higher-quality beer,” he explained. Unusually, they utilize raw, whole-leaf hops rather than pellets or oil, along with a blend of malted and unmalted grains, and locally foraged plants and seaweed for added flavour complexity. Intriguingly, they also possess a ‘coolship’ – an open-topped copper vessel used for brewing Belgian lambic-style ‘wild beers’ that ferment by absorbing airborne yeasts before aging in old cider casks. The first two batches were destined for bottling by Christmas. For our immediate needs, we selected some cloudy but light Table Beer, Futtle’s original ale, to accompany our festive feast.
Our journey concluded with a solitary mile to the idyllic fishing harbour of St Monans, where a pastel blue, two-storey building is nestled into the harbour wall. Lashed by waves on one side, East Pier Smokehouse stands as an acclaimed yet accessible seafood restaurant. Within its dining room and panoramic roof deck, they serve impeccably fresh mackerel, langoustines, and lobster, all landed mere yards away. The menu also features Cullen skink, crab, sea bass, octopus, and more. Takeaway options are available, provided the kitchen can manage the demand. Chef and co-owner James Robb is remarkably modest when referring to the restaurant as “a small, simple affair.” However, its most distinctive feature – a traditional smoker, no larger than a cupboard, that opens directly onto the street – is anything but simple. In use since the 1940s, its walls are now encrusted with tar. At its base, a pair of angled channels are where Mr. Robb burns oak and beech sawdust for 36 to 48 hours – depending on the weather – to cold-smoke West Coast salmon. Compared to modern smoking machines, this is an exceptionally fickle, old-school approach that occasionally necessitates midnight check-ups. Yet, Mr. Robb has mastered this process to produce both traditional and a striking burgundy-hued, beetroot-cured salmon, available for restaurant service and direct public sale. I was treated to a plate featuring the salmon, served with bread, butter, lemon, and capers. It was sweet, smoky, firm, and quite simply, the finest I have ever tasted. This was a magnificent culmination to our ten-component Christmas dinner – a feast made in Scotland, delivered with exhilarating efficiency by Munich.
As the scents of our meticulously sourced festive feast begin to fill the air, the true reward of such a journey becomes apparent. If your own festive preparations are inspiring a similar culinary adventure, or if you’re contemplating the perfect vehicle to navigate the miles, we invite you to explore the possibilities and discover how a performance-oriented vehicle can elevate your next epicurean expedition.
