Embarking on a Culinary Odyssey: Securing Scotland’s Premier Festive Fare in the Ultimate Driving Machine
The festive season in Scotland conjures images of snow-dusted landscapes, crackling fires, and the anticipation of a truly exceptional Christmas dinner. Unlike the more indulgent approaches found in urban hubs, where pre-prepared platters often suffice, a genuine Scottish Christmas feast demands a pilgrimage. This year, tasked with assembling every cornerstone of a three-course Yuletide banquet, including celebratory libations, directly from the artisans and producers nestled north of the border, photographer Max Edleston and I embarked on a demanding two-day expedition. The critical question, however, wasn’t just where to go, but how to traverse this magnificent, albeit challenging, terrain.
Our mission required a vehicle capable of not only transporting a precious cargo of Christmas staples but also of conquering the often-treacherous Scottish roads. A whimsical choice like a Morgan Super 3, with its charmingly exposed luggage straps, simply wouldn’t suffice for the practicalities of a holiday haul. We needed ample space, the agility to navigate winding country lanes, and the surefootedness to contend with the capricious Scottish weather, which, as forecast, promised a symphony of wind and rain. After considerable deliberation, the ideal chariot materialized: the BMW M3 CS Touring. This performance estate, with its cavernous 1510-litre cargo capacity (seats folded), blistering 3.5-second sprint to 62 mph, and a formidable 186 mph top speed, coupled with the confidence-inspiring grip of its switchable all-wheel-drive system, presented itself as a near-perfect, albeit somewhat extravagant, solution for our epicurean adventure. The BMW M3 CS Touring was, in essence, tailor-made for this very undertaking.
This impeccably appointed, leather-clad, five-seater estate car represents a rather extraordinary engineering feat. Engineered with a clear bias towards track performance, its specifications are truly impressive. Boasting a formidable 543 bhp – a 20 bhp increase over its predecessor, the Competition model – it features extensive use of carbonfibre panels, a cutting-edge 3D-printed cylinder head, a lightweight crankshaft, and suspension enhancements like added rose joints, all designed to withstand the extreme g-forces encountered on a racetrack. Yet, it proved surprisingly adept at softening the initial miles on the M90 from Edinburgh towards Loch Leven. With the press of a button, the bespoke titanium silencer adopted a hushed demeanor, and the suspension, while firm, offered a remarkably muted ride. The steady steering inspired confidence, though the Michelin Pilot Sport 4 S tires (19-inch front, 20-inch rear) could occasionally emit a sonorous roar, particularly on certain road surfaces, a testament to their performance-oriented design.
Our journey soon diverted from the motorway, leading us onto the secluded byways of Glen Devon and Dunning Glen. Here, the damp and narrow, yet delightfully smooth, B934 twisted and turned through wooded hillsides painted in a vibrant palette of greens and browns, reminiscent of Dr. Seuss’s whimsical landscapes. The BMW M3 CS Touring navigated these curves with an effortless grace, its eight-speed ZF torque converter gearbox delivering perfectly timed, elastic shifts in the gentlest Auto mode. Despite its substantial two-meter width, the ultra-precise steering allowed for uncanny accuracy, placing the car to within a tire tread’s breadth, a skill that proved beneficial in avoiding a pair of startled red squirrels darting across the road.
Cresting a rise, we were greeted by the imposing presence of Simon Howie Butchers, situated on the outskirts of Dunning, adjacent to Mr. Howie’s idyllic farmhouse. This is a genuine Scottish success story; originating as a modest village butcher shop, Simon Howie now presides over two thriving branches in neighboring towns and supplies numerous major supermarkets. Crucially, he is recognized as the UK’s largest producer of haggis, a national treasure, churning out an astonishing 1.3 million units between Christmas and Burns Night alone.
Although Mr. Howie was absent, Operations Manager Robbie Crook graciously welcomed us. Our first stop was the “pudding room,” where the rich aroma of black pudding immediately set our stomachs rumbling. However, our primary objective was the quintessential Scottish haggis. This hearty national dish, a masterful blend of minced pork, beef, and lamb offal, oatmeal, barley, and a secret mix of seasonings, is a cornerstone of any authentic festive spread. The establishment also produces gluten-free and vegetarian variations, with Crook noting that the latter often serves as an approachable “gateway haggis” for the uninitiated. Bite-sized “haggis balls,” dipped in batter and breadcrumbs, offer a delightful Christmas starter and formed a robust foundation for our celebratory menu.
From the savory to the sweet, we then ventured into the smoke-infused bacon room. Here, Crook detailed their artisanal process for crafting pigs in blankets. Streaky cuts of pork belly are meticulously hand-rubbed with a dry cure, aged for up to ten days, then smoked for four to six hours over wood chips. These succulent strips are then machine-sliced and expertly wrapped around pork chipolatas, creating the mouthwatering side dish that is a non-negotiable component of any Christmas feast.
With two essential elements secured, we re-entered the BMW M3 CS Touring as the wind intensified and rain began to lash against the windows. A hedgerow-hugging B-road guided us across a swollen River Earn, its currents alive with salmon making their arduous journey upstream. The canopied stretches of road began to shed their leafy adornments, with fallen branches littering the tarmac and water pooling at the verges – a clear indication that a Morgan Super 3 would have been entirely unsuitable for this leg of the journey.
The BMW M3 CS Touring’s rear-biased, yet fully variable, multi-plate clutch-based M xDrive system proved its mettle, masterfully distributing power and allowing for confident cornering without a hint of instability. The only exception was encountered when navigating deeper patches of standing water, where the CS exhibited a degree of skittishness. Even with the least track-focused of the available tire options, the system was clearly being pushed to its limits under these challenging conditions.
We bypassed Crieff, ascending into the rugged beauty of the Sma’ Glen, adorned with crimson ferns and heather, before rejoining a faster section of exposed upland terrain towards Amulree. In its most supple setting, the M3’s adaptive suspension maintained a commendable level of comfort, save for a few noticeable jolts over particularly uneven sections during the descent into Dunkeld.
Despite the sodden conditions, Dunkeld revealed itself as a gem. Thomas Telford’s majestic seven-arch bridge spans the handsome River Tay, leading us into the heart of this tiny, ancient town. On a narrow lane leading towards the 700-year-old cathedral, we artfully shoehorned the BMW M3 CS Touring into a parking space outside “The Clootie Dumpling” cafe, our destination for the sweet course of our Christmas repast.
Mike and Jacinta Cairney’s establishment specializes in the eponymous Scottish spiced cake, prepared according to the cherished recipe of Mike’s mother, affectionately known as Granny Margaret. “Mum would make clootie dumpling for our birthday tea, with a 10 pence piece inside,” Mike reminisces. “If there was any left, she’d fry it up the next morning with bacon and eggs, haggis, black pudding, and Lorne sausage.” This culinary tradition resonated deeply with many of the cafe’s patrons, evoking fond childhood memories. Clootie dumplings are also a celebrated centerpiece at weddings, Christmas, and Hogmanay celebrations.
Jacinta eloquently described their meticulous preparation process. A dry mixture of flour, fat, breadcrumbs, raisins, sultanas, brown and white sugar, ginger, and spices is expertly beaten by hand with treacle, eggs, and milk. A traditional cloth, or ‘cloot,’ is then boiled in water to a scalding point, laid out, and sprinkled with flour, forming the characteristic chewy skin. The dumpling mixture is poured into the center, the cloot is tied securely, and the entire creation is boiled for a rigorous four hours. We were presented with a generous, warm slice, accompanied by a dollop of cream. It was a revelation – significantly mellower and lighter than traditional Christmas pudding – and we departed with a substantial half clootie dumpling, a truly delightful acquisition.
Navigating through the full force of the storm, we continued eastward towards Angus, traversing saturated country roads. The extent of standing water was such that it felt akin to peering from the cockpit of an ekranoplan. Over the next 36 miles, our progress was necessarily slow, with visibility reduced to a mere 200 meters. The 3.0-litre straight-six engine’s twin mono-scroll, 2.1-bar turbochargers were reduced to a mere sigh, their power muted by the adverse conditions.
Our arrival at South Powrie Farm, just north of Dundee, was met with a warm welcome. Here, we were eager to discuss the centerpiece of our Christmas meal: the turkey, with farmers Thomas and Susannah Pate. Their farm is one of a select few across the United Kingdom appointed to raise the KellyBronze breed, renowned for its exceptional flavor profile. The Pates nurture a flock of 600 turkeys, which arrive as day-old chicks, small enough to all fit comfortably within the confines of the BMW M3 CS Touring. However, our needs were far more modest, requiring just one bird, which would grow to an impressive weight of up to 15kg. Our initial plan to meet the flock was thwarted; the turkeys, wisely seeking shelter from the downpour in their field housing, remained elusive. We rescheduled our encounter for the following morning, hoping for more favorable weather.
At 8 a.m. the next day, we were greeted by a chaotic symphony of clucks, squawks, and yelps as the remarkably inquisitive turkeys embarked on a waddling sprint to meet us in their two-acre expanse of woodland and long grass. Their plumage, truly bronze-like, shimmered with a deep brown, almost iridescent sheen. The adolescent males sported distinctive snoods and wattles – puce folds of skin above and below their beaks – and proudly displayed their tail feathers. However, gender proved no indicator of social standing; dominance was determined by a literal pecking order, with the more assertive individuals nipping feathers from their subordinates. One particularly ambitious bird showed a keen interest in my wellington boots, and then my leg, a fleeting encounter that left me contemplating a return visit for the festive season itself. In the meantime, we secured a whole frozen turkey for our Christmas table.
In the days immediately preceding Christmas, the Pates expertly sell fresh turkeys directly to the public from their farm and various collection points along the east coast. One such collection point also happens to be a purveyor of locally grown vegetables, guiding our next destination. Crossing the Tay Road Bridge into Fife, we finally encountered an opportunity to truly unleash the BMW M3 CS Touring’s capabilities.
In its most potent engine mode, the CS typically operates with restraint below 3000 rpm. However, beyond this threshold, the acceleration becomes so forceful and relentless that it feels almost exponential. With the exhaust flaps fully open, the rising revs unleash an ever-louder, bass-heavy roar and an mounting inductive aggression, creating a dramatic, though not quite spine-tingling, auditory experience. The sweeping A92 proved an ideal playground, allowing the BMW M3 CS Touring to consume the tarmac with impressive pace and poise, its chassis melding seamlessly with the road surface.
On the more technically demanding minor roads that followed, the car exhibited slightly less composure, both in terms of cornering inertia and ride suppleness. Nevertheless, the driving experience remained exhilarating, with the deeply bolstered bucket seats providing unwavering support.
With the CS thoroughly warmed and eager, we positioned it outside Pittormie Fruit Farm, a compact 35-acre operation managed by Euan Cameron and his family. While the farm shop had closed after a successful summer of fruit sales, their honesty box for eggs remained a reliable source of income, supplemented by a steady supply of seasonal vegetables also distributed to restaurants and greengrocers. Cameron espouses an appealingly laissez-faire approach to cultivation, utilizing minimal fertilizers and eschewing fungicides and irrigation. He expressed dissatisfaction with the uniformity and lack of seasonality inherent in contemporary supermarket produce. “I don’t force things,” he stated. “I like it to get there naturally. I don’t care if something is fugly.”
His ATV, a versatile utility vehicle, transported us to the vibrant brassica beds, where he unearthed a magnificent, well-stocked “sprout tree” of the Bosworth variety, adorned with firm, green nuggets of Christmas joy. Cameron then deftly extracted an unfamiliar, purple-green mass of leaves from the soil – kalette, a hybrid of Brussels sprouts and kale, whose florets crisp to a delightful nutty texture, offering an appealing alternative for those who find traditional sprouts less enticing.
Pittormie Fruit Farm also proved to be the ideal location for acquiring potatoes. Utilizing a re-engineered harvester of his own design, Cameron’s modest two-acre plot yields an impressive 22 varieties, many of which are niche cultivars. His preferred varieties for roasting, such as Kerrs Pink and Golden Wonder, are drier, while he favors the waxier Wilja for boiling, oiling, and air-frying. Along with a few carrots, we loaded a generous bag of these subterranean treasures into the BMW M3 CS Touring’s rear hatch.
With fresh tomatoes and apples to fuel our journey, we continued south across Fife’s quintessential rolling farmland, traversing gorse-lined B-roads. The consistently dependable steering proved most effective in its heavier, intuitive Sport mode; the lightness of Comfort mode felt incongruous with the car’s considerable size and weight. Maintaining a spirited pace, we found the middle of the three available gearbox settings in both Auto and Manual modes to be optimal. In Auto, it allowed sufficient revs without unnecessarily lingering in the upper ranges, while in Manual, it offered responsive downshifts without the disconcerting full-body convulsions that could accompany aggressive upshifts in the most potent mode. The optional £8800 carbon-ceramic brakes were both remarkably easy to modulate and utterly ruthless in their stopping power.
The main coastal road brought our progress to a halt as we pulled up to a converted stone stable block, the home of Futtle Brewery. The brewery’s name derives from an onomatopoeic Scots word describing pebbles being tossed by the surf. A significant portion of the spacious, open room is dedicated to gleaming stainless-steel fermenters, where high-quality, unfiltered organic lagers, wheat beers, spelt beers, and pale ales are meticulously brewed. In a cozy corner, Ethan Russell Hogg, the proprietor, tended to the bar and curated the vinyl collection. “Our beers are fresh and different and take a long time to brew – six to eight weeks, sometimes more – which makes for a higher-quality beer,” he explained. Uniquely, they employ raw, whole-leaf hops rather than pellets or oil, alongside a blend of malted and unmalted grains. Locally foraged plants and seaweed are also incorporated to enhance flavor complexity. Intriguingly, they also house a ‘coolship’ – an open-topped copper vessel used for brewing Belgian lambic-style ‘wild beers.’ These beers ferment by absorbing the wild yeasts present in the air before aging in old cider casks. The initial two batches were scheduled for bottling by Christmas. For our festive feast, we selected a bottle of Futtle’s original ale, a cloudy but refreshingly light Table Beer, to complement our meticulously sourced ingredients.
Our culinary pilgrimage concluded with a final mile to the idyllic fishing harbour of St Monans. Nestled into the harbour wall, a charming pastel blue, two-story building houses East Pier Smokehouse, an acclaimed yet remarkably accessible seafood restaurant. Buffeted by the waves on one side, the establishment offers patrons a breathtaking panorama. In their dining room and panoramic roof deck, they serve an array of exquisite seafood, including mackerel, langoustines, and lobster, all landed mere yards away. The menu also features a delectable Cullen skink, crab, sea bass, and octopus, with takeaway options available when the kitchen’s capacity allows. Chef and co-owner James Robb modestly refers to the restaurant as “a small, simple affair,” yet its most unique feature is undoubtedly its traditional smoker, no larger than a cupboard, which opens directly onto the street. In continuous use since the 1940s, its walls are now thickly encrusted with tar. At the base, a pair of angled channels are used by Robb to burn oak and beech sawdust for 36 to 48 hours – depending on weather conditions – to cold-smoke West Coast salmon. Compared to modern smoking machines, this is an exceptionally temperamental, old-school approach, occasionally necessitating midnight checks. However, Robb has mastered this intricate process, producing both traditional and a distinctive burgundy-hued, beetroot-cured salmon, available for both restaurant service and direct public purchase.
I was privileged to sample a plate of this exceptional salmon, accompanied by bread, butter, lemon, and capers. The result was a symphony of flavors: sweet, smoky, and firm – quite simply the finest I have ever experienced. It was a fitting and sublime conclusion to our ten-course Christmas dinner, a culinary masterpiece crafted in Scotland and express-delivered by a German engineering marvel.
As the festive season approaches, consider how you too can elevate your own celebrations. Whether embarking on a local sourcing adventure or seeking out the finest artisanal products, the spirit of discovery and quality ingredients can transform any meal into an unforgettable occasion. Perhaps it’s time to plan your own culinary exploration.
