Scotland’s Festive Feast: A Highland Pilgrimage in the Ultimate Performance Estate
As the festive season descends, a certain breed of automotive journalist might find themselves ensconcing in plush surroundings, exchanging keys to exotic machinery over a Christmas lunch. However, for those of us rooted in the rugged beauty of Scotland, the tradition is decidedly more hands-on. This year, the task fell to me and photographer Max Edleston to embark on a culinary expedition across the Highlands and Lowlands, sourcing every component for our own three-course Christmas feast, along with accompanying libations, directly from the artisans who craft them. The clock was ticking, and the mode of transport? Entirely our prerogative.
Naturally, the requirements for our chariot were specific. While the thrill of a spirited drive is always appreciated, practicality reigns supreme when assembling a Christmas dinner. Imagine attempting to secure a succulent turkey in the minimalist luggage compartment of a vintage roadster – a logistical nightmare. We needed ample space, a generous dose of performance to conquer the often-challenging Scottish terrain, and the composure to handle the seasonal meteorological onslaught. The Met Office’s dire warnings of wind and rain, echoing the tumultuous weather patterns of late autumn, necessitated a vehicle capable of both speed and unwavering stability.
Enter the BMW M3 CS Touring. This is not merely a car; it’s a meticulously engineered statement. With a colossal 1510 litres of cargo capacity when the rear seats are folded, a blistering 0-62mph time of just 3.5 seconds, and a top speed of 186mph, it’s also equipped with a switchable all-wheel-drive system that inspires confidence even in the most adverse conditions. It’s as if the German engineers at BMW M GmbH had Christmas in mind when they conceived this particular model, a perfect blend of festive culinary pursuit and German automotive prowess.
This generously appointed, leather-clad, five-seat estate car is, frankly, a marvel of engineering. Its very DNA is steeped in track performance, evidenced by a formidable specification sheet. Boasting a potent 543 horsepower – a 20bhp increase over its predecessor, the M3 Competition – it incorporates cutting-edge materials like carbonfibre panels, a 3D-printed cylinder head, and a lightweight crankshaft. The suspension and fluid circuits have been rigorously developed to withstand the extreme g-forces encountered on a racetrack, ensuring it’s more than capable of handling Scotland’s dynamic roads.
Our journey commenced with a serene traversal of the M90 from Edinburgh towards the picturesque Loch Leven. The M3 CS Touring, in its most composed setting, proved remarkably civilised. The special titanium silencer could be hushed at the mere touch of a button, transforming the cabin into a sanctuary of quietude. The suspension, while firm, offered a commendably muted level of jostle, and the steering remained commendably steady. The only audible intrusion was a subtle roar from the Michelin Pilot Sport 4 S tyres, a nuanced sound that varied dependably on the road surface.
Before long, we veered off the main thoroughfare, venturing into the secluded enclaves of Glen Devon and Dunning Glen. The B934, a damp and narrow artery, twisted and turned with delightful precision between hillsides that were a spectacle of autumnal hues – lush greens juxtaposed with rich chocolate browns. The M3 CS Touring, with its eight-speed M Steptronic transmission, exhibited seamless, elastic shifts in its gentlest automatic mode. Despite its considerable dimensions, the car’s telepathic steering allowed for pinpoint accuracy, enabling us to navigate the tight turns with an almost balletic grace, giving ample berth to the occasional leaping red squirrel.
Cresting a rise, our gaze fell upon the substantial premises of Simon Howie Butchers, situated on the outskirts of Dunning, adjacent to Mr. Howie’s own idyllic farmhouse. This is a true Scottish success story; a business that began as a humble village butcher’s shop has expanded to encompass two branches in nearby towns, supplying numerous major supermarkets and holding the esteemed title of the UK’s largest producer of haggis. Astonishingly, they churn out an impressive 1.3 million haggis units annually, predominantly between Christmas and Burns Night.
While Mr. Howie was away, operations manager Robbie Crook graciously welcomed us. Our first stop was the pudding room, where the tantalising aroma of black pudding immediately stirred our appetites. However, our primary objective was the haggis. Crafted from a traditional blend of minced pork, beef, and lamb offal, combined with oatmeal, barley, and a secret concoction of seasonings, it stands as Scotland’s hearty national dish. Simon Howie also offers gluten-free and vegetarian variations, with Mr. Crook noting that the latter often serves as an accessible “gateway haggis” for newcomers to this celebrated delicacy. The company also produces haggis balls, a delightful appetiser where the haggis is formed into bite-sized spheres, coated in batter and breadcrumbs, making for a sophisticated and deeply satisfying Christmas starter – the ideal foundation for our festive menu.
Next, we transitioned to the bacon room, a space redolent with the sweet and smoky notes of cured pork. Here, Mr. Crook meticulously explained their process. Pork belly cuts are hand-rubbed with a dry cure, then aged for up to ten days. This is followed by a four-to-six-hour smoking process over wood chips. The resulting streaky bacon is then expertly sliced and artfully wrapped around succulent pork chipolatas, culminating in our first essential side dish: the iconic pigs in blankets.
With these crucial elements secured, we re-entered the M3 CS Touring. The wind had intensified, and the heavens opened with a torrential downpour. Navigating a hedgerow-hugging B-road, we crossed a swollen River Earn, its waters teeming with salmon making their determined upstream journey to spawn. The canopied stretches of road began to shed branches, and water accumulated at the verges – a stark reminder that this was decidedly not Morgan Super 3 territory.
The BMW’s rear-biased, yet fully variable, multi-plate clutch-based M xDrive system performed with remarkable composure. It unfailingly delivered power as requested, allowing us to trace confident arcs without a hint of instability. The only challenge arose when encountering standing water, where the M3 CS Touring exhibited a degree of skittishness. Even on the least track-focused of the three available tyre options, the tyres were being pushed beyond their optimal operating parameters.
We bypassed Crieff, opting instead to ascend into the wilder expanses of the Sma’ Glen, its landscape adorned with crimson ferns and heather. From there, we continued upwards through exposed uplands towards Amulree. In its most pliant setting, the M3’s adaptive suspension ensured a comfortable ride, save for a few noticeable moments of reactivity over some particularly bobbly sections during the descent into Dunkeld.
Despite the sodden conditions, Dunkeld presented itself as an absolute gem. Thomas Telford’s elegant seven-arch bridge gracefully spans the handsome River Tay, leading us into the heart of this tiny, ancient town. On a narrow lane leading to the 700-year-old cathedral, we artfully shoehorned the BMW into a parking space directly in front of The Clootie Dumpling café, our destination for the sweet course.
Mike and Jacinta Cairney’s establishment specialises in the eponymous Scottish spiced cake, prepared using a cherished family recipe passed down from Mike’s mother, affectionately known as Granny Margaret. “Mum would make clootie dumpling for our birthday tea, with a 10 pence piece inside,” Mike reminisces. “If there was any left, she’d fry it up the next morning with bacon and eggs, haggis, black pudding, and Lorne sausage.” This evoked a strong sense of nostalgia for many of their customers, a shared childhood experience that The Clootie Dumpling café beautifully preserves. Indeed, these celebratory cakes are a staple at weddings, Christmas, and Hogmanay celebrations.
Jacinta eloquently described their traditional preparation method. A dry mixture of flour, fat, breadcrumbs, raisins, sultanas, brown and white sugar, ginger, and a blend of spices is meticulously beaten by hand with treacle, eggs, and milk. The key ingredient is the ‘cloot’ – a cloth that is boiled in water to a scalding point, then laid out and lightly floured, forming the distinctive chewy skin of the dumpling. The prepared batter is poured in, the cloot is tied securely, and the entire concoction is then boiled for a robust four hours. We were presented with a generous, warm slice, accompanied by a dollop of cream. It was a revelation – a mellower, significantly lighter alternative to the traditional Christmas pudding. We departed with an enormous half of clootie dumpling, a prize of considerable festive import.
Navigating through full storm conditions, we pointed the M3 eastwards towards Angus, traversing saturated country roads. The sheer volume of standing water made it feel as though we were piloting an ekranoplan, skimming across the surface. The subsequent 36 miles were necessarily a slow procession, visibility reduced to a mere 200 metres. The 3.0-litre straight-six engine’s twin mono-scroll, 2.1-bar turbos were reduced to a hushed sigh.
We were met with a warm and welcome reception at South Powrie Farm, just north of Dundee, where Thomas and Susannah Pate raise the celebrated KellyBronze breed of turkey, renowned for its superior flavour. The Pates manage a flock of 600 turkeys, which arrive as day-old birds – small enough, remarkably, to all fit within the confines of the M3 Touring’s interior. Of course, we only required one, a creature destined to grow to a substantial 15kg. While our planned encounter with the entire flock was curtailed by their prudent decision to seek shelter from the deluge, we arranged to return the following morning when the clouds were forecast to be more obliging.
At precisely 8 a.m., we were greeted by a cacophony of clucks, squawks, and yelps. The highly inquisitive turkeys, sensing our presence, performed a comical waddling sprint to meet us in their two-acre enclosure of woodland and long grass. Their plumage was a magnificent spectacle, a deep, almost iridescent bronze with a profound brown, subtly rainbow-sheened sheen. The adolescent stags, adorned with puce snoods and wattles, proudly displayed their tail feathers. However, gender proved no predictor of social standing; dominance was clearly established by a literal pecking order, with the more assertive individuals nipping at their subordinates. One particularly ambitious character showed an inquisitive interest in my wellington boots, then my leg – a reminder of the primal nature of farm life. Nevertheless, we departed with a whole frozen turkey, a testament to the Pates’ dedication to quality produce.
In the immediate lead-up to Christmas, the Pates sell fresh turkeys directly to the public from their farm and various collection points along the east coast. One such point also happens to cultivate and sell exceptional vegetables. This presented our next opportunity to properly test the M3’s capabilities. We crossed the Tay Road Bridge into Fife, and here, at last, we found a stretch of road conducive to unleashing the Touring’s full potential.
In its most aggressive engine setting, the M3 CS Touring’s power is expertly modulated below 3000rpm. Beyond that threshold, however, the acceleration is so forceful and relentless that it feels almost exponential. With the exhaust flaps wide open, the rising revs unleashed a crescendo of deep bass notes and an escalating inductive aggression – a dramatic, though not quite spine-tingling, auditory experience. The sweeping A92 was perfectly suited to the car’s prowess, the M3 consuming the tarmac with a blend of pace and unwavering balance, seemingly melting into the road surface.
On the more technically demanding minor roads that followed, the car exhibited a slightly less at-ease demeanour, both in terms of cornering inertia and overall suppleness. Nevertheless, it remained an exhilarating experience, the inflatable bolsters on the bucket seats providing steadfast support during spirited driving.
With the M3 CS Touring suitably warmed, we positioned it outside Pittormie Fruit Farm, a compact 35-acre site managed by Euan Cameron and his family. Although the farm shop had closed after a busy summer of fruit sales, the honesty box for the egg shed continued to be replenished by a steady supply of seasonal vegetables, which are also supplied to local restaurants and greengrocers. Mr. Cameron espouses an appealingly laissez-faire approach to cultivation, employing minimal fertilisers and eschewing fungicides and irrigation. He speaks critically of the conformity and lack of seasonality prevalent in contemporary supermarket produce. “I don’t force things,” he states emphatically. “I like it to get there naturally. I don’t care if something is fugly.”
His ATV transported us to the multicoloured brassica beds, where he unearthed for us a well-stocked sprout tree of the Bosworth variety, adorned with firm, verdant nuggets of Christmas joy. Mr. Cameron then produced an unfamiliar, purple-green mass of leaves from the soil – kalette, a hybrid of sprout and kale, whose florets cook to a delightful crisp, offering a nutty alternative for those less enamoured with traditional sprouts.
We were also in the ideal location for potatoes. Employing an old harvester that Mr. Cameron had personally re-engineered, a modest two-acre plot yields an astonishing 22 varieties, many of which are niche cultivars. His preferred varieties for roasting are the drier types, including Kerrs Pink and Golden Wonder. However, the waxier Wilja holds his personal favour for boiling, oiling, and air-frying. Consequently, along with a few carrots, we loaded a substantial bag through the BMW’s rear hatch.
With tomatoes and apples for immediate snacking, we continued south across Fife’s characteristic rolling farmland, traversing gorse-lined B-roads. The perpetually faithful steering consistently performed best in its heavier, more intuitive Sport mode; the lightness of the Comfort setting felt incongruous with the car’s substantial size and weight. We were maintaining a healthy pace, and the middle of the three gearbox settings, in both automatic and manual modes, proved to be the optimal choice. In automatic, it maintained sufficient revs without needlessly dwelling in the upper reaches, while in manual, it offered responsive downshifts without the jarring, full-body convulsions experienced in the most aggressive setting. The optional, £8800 carbon-ceramic brakes proved both easily modulated and utterly uncompromising in their stopping power.
The main coastal road eventually brought our journey to a halt. We pulled up at a converted stone stable block, the home of Futtle Brewery. The brewery’s name is derived from an onomatopoeic Scots word describing the sound of pebbles being thrashed by the surf. Much of the expansive, open space is occupied by stainless steel fermenters, producing high-quality, unfiltered organic lagers, wheat beers, spelt beers, and pale ales. In a corner, Ethan Russell Hogg was tending bar and curating the vinyl collection. “Our beers are fresh and different and take a long time to brew – six to eight weeks, sometimes more – which makes for a higher-quality beer,” he explained. Unusually, they employ whole-leaf hops in their raw form, rather than pellets or oils, alongside a blend of malted and unmalted grains, and locally foraged plants and seaweed for distinctive flavour profiles. Intriguingly, they also boast a ‘coolship’ – an open-topped copper vessel used for brewing Belgian lambic-style ‘wild beers’ that ferment by absorbing ambient yeasts before ageing in old cider casks. The first two batches were slated for bottling by Christmas. For our own festive purposes, we selected a bottle of cloudy but refreshingly light Table Beer, Futtle’s original ale, to accompany our meticulously curated feast.
Our expedition concluded with a final mile to the idyllic fishing harbour of St Monans. Nestled into the harbour wall sat a charming, pastel blue, two-storey building. Exposed to the elements on one side, East Pier Smokehouse is an acclaimed yet remarkably accessible seafood restaurant. Within its dining room and panoramic roof deck, they serve an array of exquisite dishes: mackerel, langoustines, and lobster, all landed just yards away. Their offerings also include classic Cullen skink, crab, sea bass, octopus, and more, with takeaway options available, subject to kitchen capacity. Chef and co-owner James Robb modestly refers to the establishment as “a small, simple affair,” but this description perfectly encapsulates its most unique feature: a traditional smoker, no larger than a cupboard, which opens directly onto the street.
In continuous use since the 1940s, its walls are now deeply encrusted with tar. At the base, a pair of angled channels are where Mr. Robb burns oak and beech sawdust for 36 to 48 hours – depending on the prevailing weather – to cold-smoke West Coast salmon. Compared to modern smoking machines, this is an exceptionally fickle, old-school approach, occasionally necessitating midnight check-ups. However, Mr. Robb has evidently mastered the process, producing both traditional and a striking burgundy-hued, beetroot-cured salmon for both restaurant service and direct public sale. I was treated to a plate featuring perfectly smoked salmon, served with bread, butter, lemon, and capers. The flavour was exquisitely sweet, profoundly smoky, and the texture wonderfully firm – unequivocally the finest I have ever encountered. It was a fittingly sublime conclusion to our ten-component Christmas dinner: a meticulously assembled feast, made in Scotland and delivered with characteristic BMW M performance.
This culinary pilgrimage, undertaken in the capable embrace of the BMW M3 CS Touring, served as a potent reminder of the unparalleled quality and dedication found within Scotland’s artisanal food producers. From the savoury heartiness of locally sourced haggis to the sublime smokiness of perfectly cured salmon, each element contributed to a festive table that was as rich in flavour as it was in provenance. If your own Christmas preparations are nearing completion, consider elevating your experience. Explore the unique offerings of your local producers, and perhaps, if the opportunity arises, embark on your own flavourful adventure. After all, the journey of discovery is often as rewarding as the destination itself.
