The Ultimate Scottish Christmas Feast: A High-Performance Culinary Expedition in the BMW M3 CS Touring
Keywords: BMW M3 CS Touring, Scottish Christmas food, Christmas dinner ingredients, luxury estate car, high-performance driving, Scotland road trip, festive food producers, KellyBronze turkeys, Simon Howie haggis, Clootie Dumpling, Futtle Brewery, East Pier Smokehouse, premium Christmas fare, culinary adventure, bespoke Christmas feast, ultimate driving experience, Scottish delicacies, gourmet food tour.
For seasoned enthusiasts and connoisseurs of exceptional driving experiences, the pursuit of excellence often extends beyond the asphalt. As a veteran of the automotive industry for over a decade, I’ve witnessed firsthand how the right machine can elevate any journey, transforming a mere trip into an unforgettable expedition. This past holiday season, a rather unique challenge presented itself: sourcing the entirety of a three-course Christmas feast, complete with all the trimmings and libations, directly from Scotland’s finest artisans. The ticking clock and the promise of a truly bespoke culinary creation demanded a vehicle that could not only traverse the rugged Scottish landscape but also embody a spirit of uncompromising performance and refined capability.
While many might envision a leisurely drive in a classic or a comfortable touring vehicle for such a task, our requirements were far more demanding. The discerning palate of a truly memorable Christmas dinner necessitates the freshest, highest-quality ingredients, and in Scotland, this often means venturing off the beaten path. This is where the concept of “the mountain must visit Muhammad” truly comes into play. My photographic collaborator, Max Edleston, and I were tasked with personally visiting each producer, ensuring the authenticity and quality of every component. This meant navigating winding country lanes, potentially inclement weather – the Met Office had, as is customary for the season, issued a symphony of wind and rain warnings – and carrying a substantial haul of festive provisions.
The answer to our automotive conundrum arrived in the form of the BMW M3 CS Touring. Forget the notion of stuffing a prize turkey into a diminutive sports car; the M3 CS Touring offers a compelling blend of practicality and blistering performance, making it an almost bespoke solution for our ambitious culinary pilgrimage. Its capacious 1510-litre cargo capacity with the rear seats folded down is more than sufficient for a holiday bounty, while its prodigious acceleration – a mere 3.5 seconds to reach 62 mph – and a top speed of 186 mph promised swift progress across the nation. Crucially, its switchable four-wheel-drive system, M xDrive, provided the confidence-inspiring security needed to tackle Scotland’s unpredictable wintry conditions.
This generously equipped, leather-lined, five-seat estate car is, to put it mildly, a sensational creation. It’s a vehicle engineered with track performance at its core, evident in its impressive specifications. Boasting 543 horsepower – a 20 horsepower increase over its predecessor, the Competition model – it features lightweight carbonfibre panels, a 3D-printed cylinder head, a lightweight crankshaft, and suspension components with added rose joints designed to withstand the immense G-forces encountered on a racetrack. Yet, it proves remarkably adept at civilised road manners. Our initial foray northwards on the M90 from Edinburgh towards Loch Leven was met with a surprisingly hushed Titanium exhaust system, adjustable at the touch of a button, and a commendably muted suspension and steady steering. The only notable intrusion was a sometimes-pronounced roar from the Michelin Pilot Sport 4 S tyres, though this was highly dependent on the road surface.
Our journey soon veered off the motorway, taking us into the serene yet demanding environs of Glen Devon and Dunning Glen. Here, the damp and narrow B934, a road that twists and turns with a delightful rhythm between wooded, Seussian hillsides painted in a rich tapestry of greens and browns, provided the perfect proving ground. The M3 CS Touring flowed effortlessly, its eight-speed ZF torque converter transmission delivering beautifully timed, elastic shifts in its gentlest Auto mode. Despite its considerable width, the car felt remarkably agile, its ultra-precise steering allowing for pinpoint placement on the tarmac, a welcome benefit when navigating around startled red squirrels darting across the road.
As we crested a hill, the substantial facility of Simon Howie Butchers appeared on the outskirts of Dunning, adjacent to Mr. Howie’s picturesque farmhouse. This is a true Scottish success story. From humble beginnings in a village butcher shop, Simon Howie now operates two branches in neighbouring towns and supplies a significant portion of the UK’s major supermarkets. More impressively, he is the nation’s largest producer of haggis, manufacturing an astonishing 1.3 million units between Christmas and Burns Night alone.
Although Mr. Howie was away, Operations Manager Robbie Crook graciously welcomed us. Our first stop was the pudding room, where the rich aroma of black pudding set our appetites alight. However, our primary objective was haggis. This iconic Scottish dish, a hearty national treasure, is crafted from minced pork, beef, and lamb offal, combined with oatmeal, barley, and a secret blend of seasonings. Simon Howie also excels in producing gluten-free and vegetarian versions, with Mr. Crook noting that the latter often serves as an accessible “gateway haggis” for newcomers to this delicacy. Their haggis balls, coated in batter and breadcrumbs, offer a delightful bite-sized starter, forming a robust foundation for our Christmas menu.
Next, we moved to the bacon room, a space alive with the sweet and smoky scents of curing pork. Here, Mr. Crook explained the meticulous process of hand-rubbing streaky pork belly with a dry cure, followed by up to 10 days of aging. The bacon is then smoked for four to six hours over wood chips before being machine-sliced and artfully wrapped around pork chipolatas to create our first mouthwatering side dish: pigs in blankets.
With two essential components secured, we re-entered the M3 CS Touring as the wind intensified and the rain began to lash down. A hedgerow-hugging B-road led us across a swollen River Earn, its currents surging with salmon making their upstream journey. The canopy overhead grew increasingly littered with fallen branches, and water collected along the verges – certainly not the ideal conditions for a Morgan Super 3.
The BMW’s M xDrive system, with its rear-biased yet fully variable multi-plate clutch, proved its mettle. It coped brilliantly, faithfully delivering all the power requested and allowing us to carve confident arcs through the challenging terrain without a hint of instability in the steering. The only exception was when encountering standing water. Even on the least track-focused of the available tyre options, the M3 CS Touring could become skittish, pushing the limits of its performance envelope.
We bypassed Crieff, instead opting to ascend into the wild, exposed uplands of the Sma’ Glen. This dramatic landscape, adorned with crimson ferns and heather, led us towards Amulree. In its supplest mode, the M3’s adaptive suspension provided a remarkably comfortable ride, save for a few noticeable moments of reactivity over some unsettled sections on the descent into Dunkeld.
Despite the sodden conditions, Dunkeld revealed itself as a jewel. Thomas Telford’s elegant seven-arch bridge gracefully spans the handsome River Tay, leading us into the heart of this tiny, ancient town. On a narrow lane leading towards the 700-year-old cathedral, we expertly manoeuvred the BMW in front of The Clootie Dumpling café, our destination for the sweet course.
Mike and Jacinta Cairney’s establishment specialises in the eponymous Scottish spiced cake, prepared to the cherished recipe of Mike’s mother, affectionately known as Granny Margaret. Mike fondly recalls his childhood: “Mum would make clootie dumpling for our birthday tea, with a 10 pence piece inside. If there was any left, she’d fry it up the next morning with bacon and eggs, haggis, black pudding, and Lorne sausage.” This nostalgic connection resonates deeply with many of the café’s customers, who seek that same comforting taste of yesteryear. Clootie dumplings are also a staple at weddings, Christmas, and Hogmanay celebrations.
Jacinta graciously detailed their preparation process. A dry mixture of flour, fat, breadcrumbs, raisins, sultanas, brown and white sugar, ginger, and spices is meticulously beaten by hand with treacle, eggs, and milk. A cloth, or ‘cloot’, is then boiled to a scalding point, laid out, and sprinkled with flour to form the characteristic chewy skin. The dumpling mixture is poured in, the cloot tied tightly, and the entire concoction is boiled for a substantial four hours. I was presented with a generous, warm slice, served with cream. It was an absolute revelation – mellower and significantly lighter than traditional Christmas pudding – and we departed with immense satisfaction, carrying a substantial half clootie dumpling.
In the heart of a full-blown storm, we navigated east towards Angus along saturated country roads. The standing water was so pervasive, it felt as though we were piloting an ekranoplan, skimming across the surface. The subsequent 36 miles were necessarily slow, with visibility reduced to a mere 200 metres. The twin mono-scroll, 2.1-bar turbos of the 3.0-litre straight-six engine were reduced to little more than a hushed sigh.
Our spirits were lifted by the warm welcome at South Powrie Farm, located just north of Dundee, where we had arranged to discuss all things turkey with Thomas and Susannah Pate. Their farm is one of a select few across the UK entrusted with raising the prized KellyBronze breed, renowned for its superior flavour profile. The Pates manage 600 turkeys, which arrive as day-old chicks small enough to fit comfortably in the back of the M3. However, our chosen bird would grow to a formidable 15kg. We had hoped to meet the flock, but they were wisely sheltering from the deluge in their field. We therefore planned to return the following morning, when the clouds were predicted to be more amenable.
At 8 am the next day, we were greeted by a joyous cacophony of clucks, squawks, and yelps as the highly inquisitive turkeys performed a waddling sprint to meet us in their two-acre expanse of woodland and long grass. Their feathers indeed shimmered with a bronze-like sheen, a deep brown hue with an almost iridescent, rainbow-like finish. The adolescent stags sported prominent snoods and wattles – puce folds of skin above and below their beaks – and proudly displayed their tail feathers. However, gender proved no indicator of social standing; status was determined by a literal pecking order, with dominant personalities asserting their authority by plucking feathers from their inferiors. One ambitious character even showed an interest in my wellington boots, followed by a gentle nip at my leg. I resolved to meet it again in late December… In the meantime, we secured a whole frozen turkey.
In the days leading up to Christmas, the Pates sell fresh turkeys directly to the public from the farm and at collection points along the east coast. One of these collection points also happens to grow and sell vegetables, prompting our next destination. We crossed the Tay Road Bridge into Fife and, at last, were presented with an opportunity to truly unleash the M3 CS Touring’s formidable capabilities.
In its most aggressive engine mode, the CS typically restrains its power below 3000 rpm. However, beyond this threshold, the acceleration is so forceful and relentless that it feels almost exponential. With the exhaust flaps wide open, rising revs unleash an ever-louder bass note and a mounting inductive aggression – certainly dramatic, though not quite spine-tingling. The sweeping A92 became a playground, devoured with remarkable pace and composure as the M3 CS Touring seemed to meld seamlessly with the tarmac.
It was less at ease on the more technical minor roads that followed, exhibiting some cornering inertia and a reduced suppleness. Nevertheless, the experience remained riotous, with the inflatable bolsters on the supportive bucket seats holding us firmly in place, a testament to the car’s dynamic prowess.
With the CS thoroughly warmed up, we parked it outside Pittormie Fruit Farm, a compact 35-acre site managed by Euan Cameron and his family. Although the farm shop was closed after a busy summer of fruit sales, the honesty box at the egg shed remained popular, replenished by a steady supply of winter vegetables that are also supplied to local restaurants and greengrocers. Mr. Cameron embraces a refreshingly laissez-faire approach to cultivation, utilising minimal fertilisers, and eschewing fungicides and irrigation. He speaks with disdain for the conformity and lack of seasonality in much of today’s supermarket produce, stating, “I don’t force things. I like it to get there naturally. I don’t care if something is fugly.”
His All-Terrain Vehicle (ATV) whisked us away to the multicoloured brassica beds, where he unearthed a well-stocked Bosworth-variety sprout tree, adorned with firm, verdant nuggets of Christmas joy. Mr. Cameron then pulled an unfamiliar mass of purple-green leaves from the soil – kalette, a cross between Brussels sprouts and kale, whose florets cook to a delightful crisp, offering a nutty alternative for those who typically shy away from sprouts.
We were also in the right place for potatoes, or ‘tatties’. Using an old harvester that Mr. Cameron had ingeniously re-engineered himself, a modest two-acre plot yields an impressive 22 varieties, many of which are niche offerings. His top recommendations for roasting are drier types such as Kerrs Pink and Golden Wonder, but the waxier Wilja is his personal favourite for boiling, oiling, and air-frying. Along with a few carrots, we loaded a generous bag of produce through the BMW’s rear hatch.
With a supply of tomatoes and apples to enjoy en route, we continued south across Fife’s characteristic rolling farmland, traversing gorse-lined B-roads. The perpetually faithful steering system consistently performed best in its heavier, more intuitive Sport mode; Comfort mode’s lightness felt mismatched with the car’s substantial size and weight. We maintained a brisk pace, and the middle of the three gearbox settings, in both Auto and Manual modes, proved to be the sweet spot. In Auto, it allowed sufficient revs without unnecessarily holding onto the upper reaches, while in Manual, it offered responsiveness without the full-body convulsions experienced in the most aggressive shifting mode. The optional, £8,800 carbon-ceramic brakes were both easily modulated and ruthlessly effective.
The main coast road eventually brought us to a halt. We pulled up at a converted stone stable block that now houses Futtle Brewery, a name derived from an onomatopoeic Scots word describing pebbles being thrashed by the surf. Much of the large, open space is occupied by stainless-steel fermenters, brewing a range of high-quality, unfiltered organic lagers, wheat beers, spelt beers, and pale ales. In the corner, Ethan Russell Hogg was tending bar and curating the vinyl collection. “Our beers are fresh and different and take a long time to brew – six to eight weeks, sometimes more – which makes a higher-quality beer,” he explained. Unusually, they utilise raw, whole-leaf hops rather than pellets or oil, along with a blend of malted and unmalted grains, and locally foraged plants and seaweed for flavour. Intriguingly, they also boast a ‘coolship’ – an open-topped copper vessel for brewing Belgian lambic-style ‘wild beers’ that ferment by absorbing ambient yeasts before ageing in old cider casks. The first two batches were scheduled for bottling by Christmas. For our immediate needs, we selected some cloudy but light Table Beer, Futtle’s original ale, to accompany our feast.
Our culinary expedition concluded with a final mile to the idyllic fishing harbour of St Monans, where a pastel blue, two-storey building is nestled into the harbour wall. Lashing waves on one side, East Pier Smokehouse stands as an acclaimed yet remarkably accessible seafood restaurant. In the dining room and on the panoramic roof deck, they serve freshly landed mackerel, langoustines, and lobster, alongside an array of other delights including Cullen skink, crab, sea bass, and octopus. Takeaway options are also available, provided the kitchen can manage. Chef and co-owner James Robb modestly refers to the restaurant as “a small, simple affair,” but this description perfectly captures its most unique feature: a traditional smoker, no larger than a cupboard, that opens directly onto the street. In continuous use since the 1940s, its walls are now deeply encrusted with tar. At the bottom, a pair of angled channels are where Mr. Robb burns oak and beech sawdust for 36 to 48 hours – depending on the weather – to cold-smoke West Coast salmon. Compared to modern smoking machines, this is an extremely fickle, old-school approach that sometimes necessitates midnight check-ups. However, Mr. Robb has mastered the process, producing both traditional and a distinctive burgundy-hued, beetroot-cured salmon for both restaurant service and direct public sale.
I was treated to a plate featuring the salmon, served with bread, butter, lemon, and capers. The result was sublime – sweet, smoky, firm, and quite simply the finest I have ever tasted. It was a fitting and exceptional way to complete our meticulously curated, ten-component Christmas dinner: all crafted in Scotland, and express delivered by Munich’s engineering prowess.
As the festive season draws to a close, the memory of this epicurean adventure lingers. If your own celebrations call for something beyond the ordinary, perhaps it’s time to consider embarking on your own meticulously planned culinary journey. Whether you seek the thrill of a high-performance drive or the satisfaction of sourcing the finest local produce, the possibilities are as vast as the Scottish landscape itself. We invite you to explore the unique flavours and experiences Scotland has to offer, and perhaps, discover your own perfect festive feast.
