The Ultimate Scottish Christmas Feast: A High-Performance Road Trip in the BMW M3 Touring
For many, the holiday season conjures images of cozy gatherings and pre-prepared festive fare. However, for a dedicated few, the true spirit of Christmas lies in the pursuit of the freshest, most authentic ingredients, sourced directly from the artisans who craft them. This is precisely the mission undertaken by a seasoned automotive journalist and photographer, embarking on a two-day culinary adventure across Scotland. Their chariot for this epicurean quest? The formidable BMW M3 CS Touring – a car as capable of traversing rugged Scottish landscapes as it is of delivering thrilling performance, perfectly embodying the blend of practicality and exhilaration demanded by such a bespoke undertaking. This expedition, a true test of both man and machine, aims to assemble a multi-course Christmas banquet, complete with all the trimmings and libations, from the finest producers north of the border.
The challenge presented is not merely about acquiring food; it’s about experiencing the journey, the dedication of the producers, and the ability of the vehicle to facilitate it all. Forget the mundane dash to the supermarket; this is a curated expedition, a testament to the desire for quality and provenance. The need for ample cargo space is paramount. Imagine trying to delicately transport a prize-winning turkey or a multitude of artisan cheeses in the confined quarters of a smaller, more eccentric vehicle. It simply wouldn’t suffice. Thus, the BMW M3 CS Touring, with its cavernous 1510 litres of luggage capacity with the rear seats folded, emerges as the ideal candidate. Beyond mere practicality, the unpredictable Scottish weather, often a tempestuous mix of wind and rain, demands a vehicle with robust handling and sure-footedness. The Met Office’s seasonal warnings are not mere suggestions; they are mandates for caution and capability. The M3 CS Touring, with its switchable all-wheel-drive system, rapid acceleration (0-62mph in a mere 3.5 seconds), and impressive top speed of 186mph, presents a compelling proposition for navigating these challenging conditions with both confidence and speed. This isn’t just a car; it’s a mobile command center for a festive food pilgrimage.
The BMW M3 CS Touring itself is a fascinating proposition, a generously equipped, leather-lined, five-seat estate car that skirts the edges of automotive excess. It’s a vehicle born with track performance firmly in its DNA, evident in its impressive specifications. Boasting 543 horsepower (an increase of 20 over its predecessor), extensive use of carbon fibre panels, a 3D-printed cylinder head, a lightweight crankshaft, and suspension augmented with rose joints and fluid circuits engineered to withstand extreme g-forces, this is no ordinary family wagon. Yet, it proves surprisingly adept at the initial leg of our journey, a trudge up the M90 from Edinburgh towards Loch Leven. With the special titanium silencer engaged, the aggressive growl of the engine is subdued to a more palatable hum. The suspension, while firm, offers a commendably muted level of jostle, and the steering remains steady, providing a sense of calm before the more dynamic segments of the trip. The only significant auditory intrusion comes from the Michelin Pilot Sport 4 S tyres, particularly noticeable on certain road surfaces, a reminder of the car’s latent potential.
Our route soon diverts from the motorway, leading us onto the secluded, damp, yet delightfully smooth B934, winding through the Glen Devon and Dunning Glen. These roads, flanked by wooded hillsides painted in a rich tapestry of greens and browns, evoke a sense of almost whimsical charm, reminiscent of Dr. Seuss’s fantastical landscapes. The M3 Touring, in its gentlest automatic gearbox mode, glides effortlessly. The eight-speed ZF torque converter performs impeccably, delivering timely and smooth shifts. Despite its considerable dimensions – measuring two metres between its wing mirrors – the car’s steering precision allows for uncanny placement, enabling it to hug the road’s contours with remarkable accuracy. This nimbleness is particularly beneficial when navigating narrow lanes, as evidenced by its ability to avoid startling the local wildlife, including a pair of agile red squirrels.
As we crest a hill, the substantial edifice of Simon Howie Butchers comes into view on the outskirts of Dunning, adjacent to Mr. Howie’s idyllic farmhouse. This establishment represents a remarkable local success story. What began as a modest village butcher’s shop has burgeoned into a multi-branch operation, supplying major supermarkets and holding the distinction of being the UK’s largest producer of haggis. Their output is staggering, with 1.3 million haggis produced annually between Christmas and Burns Night alone.
Although Mr. Howie is away, operations manager Robbie Crook graciously guides us through the facility. Our first stop is the aptly named “pudding room,” where the rich aroma of black pudding immediately stimulates the appetite. However, our primary objective is the haggis. Mr. Crook meticulously explains the preparation: a harmonious blend of minced pork, beef, and lamb offal, combined with oatmeal, barley, and a secret mix of seasonings, creating Scotland’s quintessential national dish. He also highlights their commitment to inclusivity, offering gluten-free and vegetarian variations, with the latter often serving as an approachable “gateway haggis” for the uninitiated. Haggis balls, dipped in batter and breadcrumbs, are a popular festive starter, and securing these provides a robust foundation for our Christmas menu.
Next, we venture into the sweet and smoke-infused bacon room. Here, Mr. Crook details the meticulous process of creating our second essential side dish: pigs in blankets. Streaky cuts of pork belly are hand-rubbed with a dry cure, aged for up to ten days, then subjected to a four-to-six-hour smoking process over wood chips. Following this, they are machine-sliced and artfully wrapped around pork chipolatas, promising an explosion of flavour and a delightful textural contrast to the main course.
With two vital components of our festive feast secured, we re-enter the M3 Touring. The wind intensifies, and the rain begins to lash down with renewed vigour. A hedgerow-hugging B-road leads us across a swollen River Earn, its waters teeming with salmon on their arduous upstream journey to spawn. The canopy of trees lining the road begins to shed branches, and water collects ominously at the verges – a stark reminder that this is decidedly not Morgan Super 3 territory.
The BMW’s M xDrive system, a rear-biased, multi-plate clutch setup, proves its mettle. It expertly distributes power, faithfully laying down all the torque required and allowing the car to trace confident arcs through the challenging conditions without a hint of instability. The only fleeting moments of apprehension arise when encountering standing water, where the CS exhibits a degree of skittishness. Even with the least track-focused of the available tyre options, they are clearly being pushed to their limits in these extreme conditions.
We bypass Crieff, instead ascending into the rugged beauty of the Sma’ Glen, its slopes adorned with crimson ferns and heather. The climb continues into an exposed upland section towards Amulree. The M3’s adaptive suspension, set to its most supple mode, ensures a comfortable ride, save for a few noticeable moments of reactivity over particularly bumpy sections during the descent into Dunkeld.
Despite the sodden conditions, Dunkeld reveals itself as a gem of a town. Thomas Telford’s elegant seven-arch bridge spans the majestic River Tay, leading us into the heart of this tiny, ancient settlement. On a narrow lane, just a stone’s throw from the 700-year-old cathedral, we carefully manoeuvre the BMW into a parking space outside “The Clootie Dumpling” cafe, our destination for the sweet course.
Mike and Jacinta Cairney’s establishment specialises in the eponymous Scottish spiced cake, prepared using the treasured recipe of Mike’s late mother, affectionately known as Granny Margaret. “Mum would make clootie dumpling for our birthday tea, with a 10 pence piece inside,” Mike recounts. “If there was any left, she’d fry it up the next morning with bacon and eggs, haggis, black pudding, and Lorne sausage.” This nostalgic recollection paints a vivid picture of a quintessential Scottish childhood, and it’s this very nostalgia that draws many of the cafe’s patrons. Clootie dumplings are a staple at weddings, Christmas, and Hogmanay celebrations.
Jacinta elaborates on the intricate preparation. A dry mix of flour, fat, breadcrumbs, raisins, sultanas, brown and white sugar, ginger, and spices is painstakingly beaten by hand with treacle, eggs, and milk. A traditional cloth, or ‘cloot,’ is then scalded in boiling water before being laid out and dusted with flour, forming the dumpling’s characteristic chewy skin. The batter is poured into the centre, the cloot is tied securely, and the entire creation is boiled for a substantial four hours. The result is a generous, warm slice, served with cream. It’s a revelation – a mellower, lighter alternative to traditional Christmas pudding – and we depart with a large half clootie dumpling, a truly delightful acquisition.
Navigating in full storm conditions, we steer east towards Angus, traversing saturated country roads. The volume of standing water is such that it feels as though we are piloting an ekranoplan. For the next 36 miles, progress is necessarily slow, with visibility limited to approximately 200 metres. The twin mono-scroll, 2.1-bar turbos of the 3.0-litre straight-six engine are reduced to a gentle sigh, their full potential temporarily suppressed by the elements.
Our spirits lift with the warm welcome at South Powrie Farm, situated just north of Dundee. Here, we meet Thomas and Susannah Pate, the proprietors, to discuss the centrepiece of our Christmas feast: the turkey. Their farm is one of a select few across the UK entrusted with rearing the KellyBronze breed, renowned for its exceptional flavour profile. The Pates manage a flock of 600 turkeys, which, as day-old chicks, could comfortably fit within the confines of the M3. However, our requirement is for a single bird, and these impressive specimens can reach weights of up to 15kg. Our planned encounter with the flock is thwarted as they wisely seek refuge from the downpour within their field shelter. We arrange to return the following morning, hoping for clearer skies.
At 8 am the next day, we are greeted by a chaotic symphony of clucks, squawks, and yelps. The highly inquisitive turkeys, a flurry of bronze-like plumage with a deep brown, almost iridescent sheen, perform a waddling sprint to meet us in their two-acre field of woodland and long grass. The adolescent males proudly display their snoods and wattles – fleshy protrusions above and below their beaks – and fan their tail feathers. Gender, however, is no determinant of social standing; this is dictated by a literal pecking order, with dominant individuals asserting their authority by nipping at the feathers of their inferiors. One particularly ambitious character takes a curious nibble at my wellington boots, then my leg. I make a mental note to perhaps revisit this spirited bird in late December. For now, we depart with a whole, frozen turkey, ready for its festive destiny.
In the immediate lead-up to Christmas, the Pates sell fresh turkeys directly to the public from their farm and at various collection points along the east coast. One of these collection points also cultivates and sells vegetables, prompting our next diversion. We cross the Tay Road Bridge into Fife, and at last, the opportunity arises to truly unleash the M3 Touring’s capabilities.
In its most aggressive engine mode, the CS is largely restrained below 3000rpm. However, beyond this threshold, the acceleration is so forceful and relentless that it feels almost exponential. With the exhaust flaps open, the rising revs unleash an ever-louder bass note and a mounting, almost inductive, aggression. While undeniably dramatic, it stops short of being truly spine-tingling. The sweeping vistas of the A92 are devoured with effortless pace and poise, the M3 seamlessly integrating with the road surface.
On the more technically demanding minor roads that follow, the car exhibits slightly less composure, both in terms of cornering inertia and ride suppleness. Nevertheless, the experience remains exhilarating, with the inflatable bolsters on the bucket seats providing secure and steadfast support.
With the CS thoroughly warmed up, we pull over outside Pittormie Fruit Farm, a compact, 35-acre operation managed by Euan Cameron and his family. The farm shop has closed for the season after a busy summer of fruit sales. However, the honesty box at the egg shed continues to be replenished by a steady supply of winter vegetables, also sold to local restaurants and greengrocers. Cameron employs an appealingly laissez-faire approach to cultivation, utilising minimal fertilisers and eschewing fungicides and irrigation. He voices his dissatisfaction with the conformity and lack of seasonality prevalent in today’s supermarket produce. “I don’t force things,” he states. “I like it to get there naturally. I don’t care if something is fugly.”
His ATV transports us to the vibrantly coloured brassica beds, where he unearths a well-stocked “sprout tree” of the Bosworth variety, adorned with firm, green nuggets of Christmas cheer. Cameron then extracts an unfamiliar mass of purple-green leaves from the soil – kalette, a sprout-kale hybrid whose florets cook to a delightful crisp, offering a nutty alternative for those who find traditional sprouts less appealing.
We are also in the right place for potatoes. Employing an old harvester that Cameron himself has ingeniously re-engineered, a modest two-acre plot yields an impressive 22 varieties, many of them niche. His preferred choices for roasting are drier types, including Kerrs Pink and Golden Wonder. However, the waxier Wilja is his personal favourite for boiling, oiling, and air-frying. Alongside a few carrots, we load a generous bag of these essential root vegetables through the BMW’s rear hatch.
With ripe tomatoes and crisp apples for snacking en route, we continue south across Fife’s characteristic rolling farmland, traversing gorse-lined B-roads. The perpetually faithful steering is consistently best in its heavier, more intuitive Sport mode; the lightness of Comfort mode feels mismatched with the car’s substantial size and weight. We are carrying a decent pace, and the middle of the three gearbox settings, in both Auto and Manual modes, proves most effective. In Automatic, it allows sufficient revs without unnecessarily lingering in the upper reaches, while in Manual, it offers responsive downshifts without the jarring, full-body convulsions experienced in the most aggressive setting. The optional £8800 carbon-ceramic brakes are both easily modulated and utterly ruthless, providing reassuring stopping power.
The main coastal road brings our journey to a halt as we pull up at a converted stone stable block, the home of Futtle Brewery. The brewery takes its name from an onomatopoeic Scots word describing pebbles being thrashed by the surf. A significant portion of the large, open space is occupied by stainless-steel fermenters, where they craft high-quality, unfiltered organic lagers, wheat beers, spelt beers, and pale ales. In the corner, Ethan Russell Hogg tends the bar, curating a selection of vinyl LPs. “Our beers are fresh and different and take a long time to brew – six to eight weeks, sometimes more – which makes a higher-quality beer,” he explains. Unconventionally, they use raw, whole-leaf hops rather than pellets or oil, a blend of malted and unmalted grains, and locally foraged plants and seaweed for flavour. Intriguingly, they also feature a ‘coolship’ – an open-topped copper vessel used for brewing Belgian lambic-style ‘wild beers’ that ferment by absorbing ambient yeasts before ageing in old cider casks. The first two batches are slated for bottling by Christmas. For our immediate needs, we select some cloudy but light Table Beer, Futtle’s original ale, to accompany our burgeoning festive feast.
Our epicurean pilgrimage concludes with a final, solitary mile to the idyllic fishing harbour of St Monans. Here, nestled into the harbour wall, is a pastel blue, two-storey building that houses East Pier Smokehouse. Buffeted by waves on one side, this acclaimed yet accessible seafood restaurant is a true hidden gem. In their dining room and panoramic roof deck, they serve an exquisite array of freshly landed seafood, including mackerel, langoustines, and lobster, all caught mere yards away. Their offerings also extend to Cullen skink, crab, sea bass, octopus, and more. Takeaway services are available, contingent on the kitchen’s capacity. Chef and co-owner James Robb is characteristically modest when he describes the restaurant as “a small, simple affair.” However, its most unique feature certainly warrants distinction: a traditional smoker, no larger than a cupboard, which opens directly onto the street. In continuous use since the 1940s, its walls are now deeply encrusted with tar. At the bottom, a pair of angled channels facilitate the burning of oak and beech sawdust for 36 to 48 hours – dependent on the prevailing weather – to cold-smoke West Coast salmon. Compared to modern smoking machines, this is an exceptionally fickle, old-school approach, sometimes necessitating midnight check-ups. Yet, Robb has evidently mastered the process, producing both traditional and a striking burgundy-hued, beetroot-cured salmon for restaurant service and direct public sale.
I am treated to a plate of this remarkable salmon, served with bread, butter, lemon, and capers. The taste is a sublime symphony of sweetness, smokiness, and a firm texture – quite simply, the best I have ever experienced. It is a fitting and glorious conclusion to our ten-course Christmas dinner: a meal meticulously crafted in Scotland and express-delivered, quite literally, by Munich’s finest engineering.
Having journeyed across Scotland to assemble this extraordinary Christmas feast, the experience has underscored the profound connection between quality ingredients, dedicated craftsmanship, and the thrill of discovery. Now, with your own festive table awaiting, are you ready to elevate your own holiday celebrations by seeking out the artisanal producers in your local area?
