Scotland’s Festive Bounty: A Culinary Expedition Aboard the BMW M3 CS Touring
For those of us charting a course through Scotland’s dramatic landscapes, the concept of a pre-arranged, lavish Christmas lunch in a velvet-draped inn is a distant luxury. Instead, the imperative falls upon us: photographer Max Edleston and I are entrusted with the ambitious mission of procuring every essential element for a three-course Yuletide feast, complete with libations, directly from the artisans who craft them in the north of the border. Our window for this endeavor is a mere two days, and the selection of both our epicurean destinations and the chariot to transport us rests entirely on our shoulders.
My itinerary meticulously maps out visits to some of Scotland’s most distinguished purveyors of festive fare. But the crucial question arises: what vehicle can possibly serve as our culinary courier? After considerable deliberation, it became abundantly clear that attempting to stow a majestic turkey in the rudimentary luggage bungees of a Morgan Super 3 would be an exercise in futility and, frankly, rather undignified. What we require is not just ample space, but a vehicle that can also deliver a spirited performance. Furthermore, it must possess the robustness and surefootedness to navigate the capricious Scottish conditions. The Met Office has issued a symphony of weather warnings, painting a grim forecast of wind and rain that mirrors the autumnal hues of the season.
Enter the BMW M3 CS Touring. This exceptionally capable machine offers cavernous capacity – a generous 1510 liters with the rear seats folded, ideal for our haul of gourmet goods. Its velocity is equally impressive, capable of a blistering 0-62 mph in a mere 3.5 seconds and a top speed of 186 mph. Crucially, its switchable all-wheel-drive system provides unwavering security, a vital attribute given the prevailing weather. It’s almost as if this car was purpose-built, gift-wrapped for this precise culinary quest.
This generously appointed, leather-lined, five-seat estate car is, in all honesty, a preposterous marvel. Engineered with track performance as its primary directive, its specification sheet reads like a wish list for any performance driving enthusiast. It boasts an output of 543 horsepower (a notable 20 bhp increase over its predecessor, the Competition model), incorporates advanced carbonfibre paneling, features a 3D-printed cylinder head, a lightweight crankshaft, and an upgraded suspension with added rose joints, all designed to withstand the extreme g-forces encountered on a race circuit.
As we embark on our initial leg, traversing the M90 from Edinburgh towards Loch Leven, the M3 Touring proves remarkably composed. The bespoke titanium exhaust system can be hushed with a mere touch of a button, and the suspension, while firm, delivers only a muted level of jostle, complemented by steady steering inputs. The Michelin Pilot Sport 4 S tires, measuring 19 inches at the front and 20 inches at the rear, do produce a noticeable roar, but this is heavily dependent on the road surface.
It isn’t long before we deviate from the motorway, venturing into the serene enclaves of Glen Devon and Dunning Glen. Here, the damp yet delightfully smooth B934 road twists and turns with serpentine grace, weaving between wooded hillsides that evoke the whimsical artistry of Dr. Seuss, painted in lush greens and rich chocolate browns.
The M3 glides effortlessly through the landscape in the gearbox’s most docile Auto mode, executing beautifully timed, elastic shifts from the eight-speed ZF torque converter. Despite its substantial two-meter width, the vehicle can be positioned with astonishing precision, down to the nearest tire tread, thanks to its ultra-precise steering system. This agility proves invaluable, even allowing us to narrowly avoid startling at least two spirited red squirrels darting across our path.
Ascending a gentle incline, we espy the substantial premises of Simon Howie Butchers, situated on the outskirts of Dunning, adjacent to Mr. Howie’s own idyllic farmhouse, a picture-perfect embodiment of rural Scotland. This is a true local success story; Mr. Howie’s journey began with a modest butcher’s shop in the village, and he now presides over two branches in neighboring towns. Furthermore, he is a principal supplier to most major supermarkets and holds the distinction of being the UK’s largest producer of haggis, a staggering 1.3 million of which are manufactured between Christmas and Burns Night alone.
While the proprietor is currently away, Operations Manager Robbie Crook graciously grants us a comprehensive tour. Our first destination is the “pudding room” – a term best delivered with a theatrical flourish – where the rich aroma of black pudding immediately ignites our appetites. However, our primary objective is the haggis. This iconic Scottish dish is a hearty concoction of minced pork, beef, and lamb offal, combined with oatmeal, barley, and a proprietary blend of seasonings. The facility also produces gluten-free and vegetarian variations. Mr. Crook notes that the vegetarian version often serves as a “gateway haggis,” introducing hesitant newcomers to this celebrated delicacy. Haggis balls, coated in batter and rolled in breadcrumbs, are transformed into delectable bite-sized bon-bons, a popular and fitting choice as a starter for our festive repast, thus laying a robust foundation for our Christmas menu.
Next, we proceed to the bacon room, a space imbued with the sweet and smoky aromas of cured pork. Here, Mr. Crook elucidates the intricate process involved in crafting their signature pigs in blankets. Streaky cuts of pork belly are meticulously hand-rubbed with a dry cure and aged for up to ten days. Subsequently, they undergo a smoking process for four to six hours over wood chips before being machine-sliced and artfully wrapped around succulent pork chipolatas, creating our first mouthwatering side dish.
With our first two essential components secured, we re-enter the M3. The wind has intensified, and the rain begins to lash down with ferocity. A hedgerow-hugging B-road leads us across a swollen River Earn, its waters teeming with salmon making their determined upstream journey to spawn. The canopied sections of the road are now increasingly littered with fallen branches, and water collects visibly by the verges – a stark reminder that this is decidedly not Morgan Super 3 weather.
The BMW’s rear-biased, yet fully variable, multi-plate clutch-based M xDrive system proves to be an exemplary performer, faithfully channeling all the available power with unwavering confidence and tracing elegant arcs through the challenging conditions without a hint of instability. The only exception arises when encountering significant standing water, where the CS exhibits a degree of skittishness. Although we are fitted with the least track-focused of the three available tire options, it is evident they are being pushed beyond their optimal operating parameters.
We bypass Crieff, instead ascending into the rugged expanse of the Sma’ Glen, its slopes adorned with crimson ferns and heather. Continuing upwards, we traverse a swift section of exposed uplands en route to Amulree. Set to its most compliant mode, the M3’s adaptive suspension maintains a commendable level of comfort, save for a noticeable reactivity over a couple of jarringly uneven sections during the descent into Dunkeld.
Despite the sodden conditions, Dunkeld remains an undeniably charming locale. Thomas Telford’s iconic seven-arch bridge gracefully spans the handsome River Tay, guiding us into the tiny, ancient town. On a narrow lane leading to the 700-year-old cathedral, we artfully maneuver the BMW into a parking spot directly in front of The Clootie Dumpling café, our next destination in pursuit of our sweet course.
Mike and Jacinta Cairney’s establishment specializes in the eponymous Scottish spiced cake, prepared according to the cherished recipe of Mike’s late mother, affectionately known as Granny Margaret. “Mum would bake clootie dumpling for our birthday teas, often with a ten-pence piece hidden inside,” Mike fondly recalls. “If there were any leftovers, she’d fry it up the next morning with bacon and eggs, haggis, black pudding, and Lorne sausage.” This culinary practice was a common thread in many childhoods, and the café draws a significant clientele seeking that evocative sense of nostalgia. Clootie dumplings are also a traditional accompaniment to weddings, Christmas, and Hogmanay celebrations.
Jacinta eloquently describes their meticulous preparation process. A dry mixture of flour, fat, breadcrumbs, raisins, sultanas, brown and white sugar, ginger, and a blend of spices is vigorously beaten by hand with treacle, eggs, and milk. A cloth – or ‘cloot’ – is then submerged in boiling water to a scalding point, laid out, and lightly dusted with flour, forming the distinctive chewy skin of the dumpling. The dumpling mixture is carefully poured into the prepared cloth, which is then tied securely. The entire assembly is then boiled for a substantial four hours. I am presented with a generous, warm slice, accompanied by a dollop of cream. The experience is nothing short of a revelation – a far mellower and noticeably lighter alternative to traditional Christmas pudding. We depart, delighted to have secured a substantial half portion of clootie dumpling.
In the midst of the full-blown storm conditions, we navigate east towards Angus, traversing saturated country roads. The sheer volume of standing water makes it feel as though we are peering from the cockpit of an ekranoplan, a ground-effect vehicle skimming across the surface. Out of necessity, the subsequent 36 miles are covered at a deliberately slow pace, visibility reduced to a mere 200 meters. The twin mono-scroll, 2.1-bar turbochargers of the 3.0-liter straight-six engine are reduced to a gentle sigh.
We are immensely grateful for the warm welcome we receive at South Powrie Farm, situated just north of Dundee. Here, we are to discuss the centerpiece of our festive meal with Thomas and Susannah Pate – the turkey. Their farm is one of a select few across the United Kingdom entrusted with rearing the KellyBronze breed, highly esteemed for its superior flavor profile. The Pates manage a flock of 600 turkeys, which arrive as day-old chicks, a number that could comfortably fit within the confines of the M3’s cargo area. However, we will only require a single bird, which is fortunate, given their impressive growth rate, reaching weights of up to 15 kilograms. Our initial plan to observe the flock firsthand is thwarted, as they have wisely sought refuge from the torrential downpour within their field shelter. We therefore schedule a return for the following morning, anticipating clearer skies.
At 8:00 AM, we are greeted by a boisterous cacophony of clucks, squawks, and yelps as the remarkably inquisitive turkeys embark on a waddling sprint to meet us in their two-acre field, a verdant expanse of woodland and long grass. Their plumage truly lives up to the “bronze” moniker, displaying a deep brown hue with an almost iridescent sheen. The adolescent males exhibit prominent snoods and wattles – fleshy, purplish appendages above and below their beaks – and proudly display their tail feathers. However, gender proves to be no indicator of social standing, which is determined by a literal pecking order, with dominant individuals asserting their authority by nipping feathers from their subordinates. One particularly ambitious character attempts a playful nip at my wellington boots, then my leg. I resolve to perhaps encounter it again in late December… In the meantime, we depart with a whole, frozen turkey.
In the immediate lead-up to Christmas, the Pates directly supply fresh turkeys to the public from their farm and at various collection points along the east coast. One of these collection points also happens to cultivate and sell vegetables, prompting our next destination. We cross the Tay Road Bridge into Fife, and at last, we are presented with an opportune moment to truly unleash the M3’s latent capabilities.
In its most aggressive engine mode, the CS remains largely restrained below 3000 rpm. However, beyond this threshold, acceleration becomes so potent and relentless that it feels almost exponential. With the exhaust flaps fully open, the rising revs are accompanied by an increasingly powerful bass note and a mounting inductive aggression – undeniably dramatic, though perhaps not quite spine-tingling. The sweeping A92 provides an ideal canvas for the M3, which devours the road with pace and poise, seamlessly integrating with the surface. It is less at ease on the more technically demanding minor roads that follow, exhibiting a degree of cornering inertia and a reduction in suppleness. Nevertheless, the experience remains exhilarating, with the supportive bolsters of the bucket seats holding us firmly in place.
With the CS nicely warmed, we strategically position it outside Pittormie Fruit Farm, a compact, 35-acre site managed by Euan Cameron and his family. Although the farm shop is closed following a busy summer of fruit sales, the honesty box at the egg shed continues to receive a steady stream of winter vegetables, which are also supplied to local restaurants and greengrocers. Mr. Cameron cultivates a diverse array of crops with an appealingly laissez-faire approach, utilizing minimal fertilizers and eschewing fungicides and irrigation. He expresses a distinct lack of enthusiasm for the uniformity and the absence of seasonality characteristic of contemporary supermarket produce. “I don’t force things,” he states. “I prefer them to mature naturally. I don’t concern myself if something isn’t conventionally attractive.”
His ATV transports us to the vibrantly colored brassica beds, where he unearths a well-laden “sprout tree” of the Bosworth variety, adorned with firm, green nuggets of Christmas joy. Mr. Cameron then expertly pulls a visually unfamiliar, purple-green mass of leaves from the soil – it is kalette, a hybrid of sprout and kale, whose florets cook to a delightful crisp, offering a nutty alternative for those who find traditional sprouts unappealing. We are also in the ideal location for potatoes. Employing an old harvester that Mr. Cameron himself re-engineered, a modest two-acre plot yields an impressive 22 varieties, many of which are niche offerings. His top recommendations for roasting are drier varieties such as Kerrs Pink and Golden Wonder, while the waxier Wilja is his personal favorite (prepared by boiling, oiling, and air-frying). Accordingly, along with a few carrots, we load a generous bag through the BMW’s rear hatch.
With a supply of tomatoes and apples for snacking en route, we continue southward across Fife’s characteristic rolling farmland, navigating gorse-lined B-roads. The perpetually reliable steering system performs best in its heavier, more intuitive Sport mode; the lightness of Comfort mode feels incongruous with the car’s considerable size and mass. We are carrying some speed, and the middle of the three gearbox settings, in both Auto and Manual modes, proves to be the most suitable. In Auto, it maintains adequate revs without unnecessarily lingering in the upper ranges. In Manual, it offers sufficient responsiveness without inducing the jarring full-body convulsions associated with upshifts in the most aggressive setting. The optional, £8800 carbon-ceramic brakes are both easily modulated and exceptionally potent.
The main coastal road brings our progress to a halt, and we pull over at a converted stone stable block that houses Futtle Brewery. The brewery derives its name from an onomatopoeic Scots word describing the sound of pebbles being thrashed by the surf. A significant portion of the large, open space is occupied by stainless-steel fermenters, dedicated to brewing high-quality, unfiltered organic lagers, wheat beers, spelt beers, and pale ales. In a corner, Ethan Russell Hogg presides over the bar, tending to the vinyl records and spinning an eclectic selection of LPs. “Our beers are fresh and distinct, and they undergo a lengthy brewing process – six to eight weeks, sometimes longer – which results in a superior quality beer,” he explains. Unconventionally, they employ raw, whole-leaf hops rather than pellets or oil, along with a combination of malted and unmalted grains and locally foraged plants and seaweed to impart unique flavors. Intriguingly, the brewery also features a ‘coolship’ – an open-topped copper vessel used for brewing Belgian lambic-style ‘wild beers’ that ferment by absorbing airborne yeasts before aging in old cider casks. The inaugural two batches are slated for bottling by Christmas. For now, we select a bottle of cloudy yet light Table Beer, Futtle’s original ale, to accompany our forthcoming feast.
Our epicurean expedition concludes with a solitary mile’s drive to the idyllic fishing harbor of St Monans, where a charming pastel blue, two-story building is nestled into the harbor wall. Exposed to the relentless force of the waves on one side, East Pier Smokehouse stands as an acclaimed yet unpretentious seafood restaurant. In the dining room and on the panoramic roof deck, they serve an array of delicacies, including mackerel, langoustines, and lobster, all landed mere yards away. The menu also features Cullen skink, crab, sea bass, octopus, and more. Takeaway options are available, provided the kitchen can accommodate them. Chef and co-owner James Robb modestly refers to the restaurant as “a small, simple affair,” yet its most distinctive feature is undeniably its traditional smoker, no larger than a cupboard, which opens directly onto the street. In continuous use since the 1940s, its walls are now deeply encrusted with tar. At the bottom, a pair of angled channels allow Mr. Robb to burn oak and beech sawdust for 36 to 48 hours – depending on the prevailing weather conditions – to cold-smoke West Coast salmon. Compared to modern smoking machines, this is an exceptionally finicky, old-school approach that occasionally necessitates midnight check-ups. Nevertheless, Mr. Robb has achieved mastery of the process, producing both traditional and a distinctive burgundy-hued, beetroot-cured salmon for both restaurant service and direct public sale. I am treated to a plate featuring this exquisite salmon, served with bread, butter, lemon, and capers. The result is sweet, smoky, firm, and quite simply, the finest I have ever had the pleasure of tasting. It is a fitting and memorable conclusion to our meticulously curated, ten-element Christmas dinner – a testament to Scottish provenance, delivered with characteristic German engineering.
This journey, punctuated by the thrill of discovery and the excellence of local produce, highlights the unparalleled ability of the BMW M3 CS Touring to bridge distances and facilitate extraordinary experiences. If your own aspirations involve a similarly ambitious culinary quest or require the ultimate in performance and utility for your automotive needs, we invite you to explore the possibilities and begin planning your next adventure.
