Crafting the Ultimate Scottish Christmas Feast: A Journey with the BMW M3 CS Touring
The aroma of woodsmoke, the bracing scent of the sea, and the earthy notes of fresh produce – these are the sensory hallmarks of a truly exceptional Christmas dinner. For many, the festive feast is a culmination of careful planning, often involving a dash to the supermarket for pre-packaged staples. However, for those of us who believe in sourcing the very best, the pursuit of perfect Christmas dinner ingredients becomes an adventure in itself. This year, my colleague and I embarked on a unique quest across Scotland, tasked with gathering every component of a magnificent three-course Christmas meal, along with accompanying refreshments, directly from its artisanal makers. Our chariot for this epicurean expedition? A remarkably capable and exhilarating BMW M3 CS Touring.
The sheer audacity of assembling a complete Christmas banquet from scratch within a two-day window, navigating the often-treacherous Scottish landscapes in late autumn, demanded a vehicle that was more than just transportation. It needed to be a mobile larder, a performance powerhouse, and a secure haven against the capricious elements. While some might envision a whimsical jaunt in a vintage convertible, the reality of transporting a prize-winning turkey, artisanal haggis, and a multitude of delicate accompaniments necessitated a more pragmatic yet equally thrilling approach. The BMW M3 CS Touring, with its substantial 1510-litre cargo capacity when the rear seats are folded, its astonishing 0-62mph sprint of just 3.5 seconds, and its sure-footed switchable all-wheel-drive system, presented itself as the almost perfect, albeit perhaps unconventional, gift-wrapped solution.
This generously appointed, leather-lined, five-seat estate car is, frankly, a masterpiece of engineering audacity. Conceived with track day prowess firmly in mind, its specification sheet reads like a motorsport aficionado’s dream. A potent 543 horsepower engine, enhanced by carbon fibre body panels, a 3D-printed cylinder head, a lightweight crankshaft, and suspension components bolstered with additional rose joints, all contribute to its track-ready pedigree. This is a car designed to withstand the immense g-forces experienced on a racing circuit, a testament to its robust construction and advanced dynamics.
Our initial leg of the journey, traversing the M90 from Edinburgh towards the picturesque Loch Leven, offered a surprisingly serene introduction. The titanium exhaust system, a marvel of acoustic engineering, could be hushed at the touch of a button, transforming the M3 into a refined cruiser. The suspension, while inherently performance-oriented, offered a commendable level of compliance, and the steering felt steady and precise. The only discernible intrusion was a subtle, yet persistent, road noise emanating from the Michelin Pilot Sport 4 S tires – a characteristic that, we soon discovered, was heavily dependent on the prevailing road surface.
Leaving the motorway behind, we ventured onto the secluded B934, a delightfully winding ribbon of tarmac that snaked through the Glen Devon and Dunning Glen. The narrow, damp but impeccably smooth road, carved through hillsides adorned in a tapestry of verdant greens and rich browns, provided an immediate and engaging test for the M3. In the gearbox’s most relaxed ‘Auto’ mode, the eight-speed ZF torque converter performed with seamless grace, delivering elegantly timed and elastic shifts. Despite its considerable width, the M3 proved remarkably agile, allowing for pinpoint placement with uncanny precision, a trait that undoubtedly aided our efforts to avoid startling the occasional leaping red squirrel.
Cresting a gentle rise, our attention was drawn to the substantial premises of Simon Howie Butchers, strategically located on the outskirts of Dunning. This establishment represents a true Scottish success story, originating from a humble village butcher’s shop and evolving into a multi-branch operation that now supplies major supermarkets and holds the distinction of being the UK’s largest producer of haggis. We were informed that between Christmas and Burns Night alone, they produce an astonishing 1.3 million units of this iconic national dish.
While Mr. Howie himself was away, Operations Manager Robbie Crook graciously welcomed us and provided an insightful tour. Our first stop was the “pudding room,” a space where the rich, savory aroma of black pudding immediately stimulated our appetites. However, our primary objective was the haggis. Crook detailed the traditional preparation: a finely minced blend of pork, beef, and lamb offal, combined with oatmeal, barley, and a carefully guarded secret blend of seasonings. He also highlighted their commitment to inclusivity, with gluten-free and vegetarian versions available, the latter often serving as a “gateway haggis” for the uninitiated. The facility also produces irresistible haggis balls, coated in batter and breadcrumbs, a popular festive starter that would form the foundation of our Christmas menu.
Next, we moved to the “bacon room,” a sanctuary of sweet and smoky indulgence. Here, Crook explained the meticulous process of dry-curing streaky pork belly, a process that involves hand-rubbing, up to 10 days of aging, and a four-to-six-hour smoking period over wood chips. The resulting bacon, machine-sliced and then artfully wrapped around plump pork chipolatas, promised to be the star of our “pigs in blankets” side dish.
With our first two essential components secured, we returned to the M3. As we rejoined the road, the wind intensified, and the heavens opened with a torrential downpour. The hedgerow-hugging B-road led us across a swollen River Earn, its waters teeming with salmon making their determined journey upstream. Sections of the route became increasingly challenging, with falling branches littering the verges and water collecting ominously at the roadside – a stark reminder that a vehicle like the Morgan Super 3 would have been woefully out of its depth.
The BMW’s M xDrive system, a rear-biased but fully variable multi-plate clutch setup, demonstrated its remarkable composure. It faithfully delivered the requested power, allowing us to trace confident arcs through the challenging conditions without a hint of instability. The only real challenge arose from standing water, which caused the M3 to exhibit a degree of skittishness. Even with the least track-focused of the available tire options, it was clear we were pushing their limits in these extreme conditions.
We bypassed the town of Crieff, instead ascending into the wild, exposed uplands of the Sma’ Glen, a landscape painted with the vibrant hues of crimson ferns and heather, before reaching a faster, open section towards Amulree. In its most supple setting, the M3’s adaptive suspension absorbed much of the unevenness, although a few particularly “bobbly” sections on the descent into Dunkeld did elicit a noticeable degree of reactivity.
Despite the sodden conditions, Dunkeld presented itself as a truly enchanting destination. Thomas Telford’s iconic seven-arch bridge gracefully spans the handsome River Tay, leading us into the heart of this ancient, diminutive town. Navigating a narrow lane towards the 700-year-old cathedral, we artfully squeezed the BMW in front of “The Clootie Dumpling” café, our next port of call in search of a sweet finale to our feast.
Mike and Jacinta Cairney, the proprietors, specialize in the eponymous Scottish spiced cake, prepared using the treasured recipe of Mike’s late mother, Granny Margaret. Mike fondly recalled his childhood: “Mum would make clootie dumpling for our birthday tea, with a 10 pence piece inside. If there was any left, she’d fry it up the next morning with bacon and eggs, haggis, black pudding, and Lorne sausage.” This nostalgic connection resonates deeply with many of their customers, and the clootie dumpling is a celebrated dish at weddings and Hogmanay celebrations alike.
Jacinta described their intricate preparation process. A dry blend of flour, fat, breadcrumbs, raisins, sultanas, brown and white sugar, ginger, and spices is meticulously combined by hand with treacle, eggs, and milk. A specially prepared cloth, or ‘cloot,’ is brought to a scalding point in boiling water, then laid out and lightly floured to form the characteristic chewy skin. The dumpling mixture is poured in, the cloot tied securely, and the entire creation is then boiled for a substantial four hours. The generous, warm slice we were presented with, accompanied by cream, was nothing short of revelatory – mellower and significantly lighter than traditional Christmas pudding. We departed with a substantial half clootie dumpling, a prize indeed.
Under increasingly challenging storm conditions, we made our way east towards Angus, navigating saturated country roads. The deluge was so intense it felt as though we were peering from the cockpit of an ekranoplan, an amphibious aircraft. The ensuing 36 miles were a slow, deliberate crawl through a pea-soup fog, the twin 2.1-bar turbos of the 3.0-litre straight-six engine reduced to a barely audible sigh.
We were immensely grateful for the warm welcome we received at South Powrie Farm, just north of Dundee, where we had arranged to discuss the centrepiece of our meal – the turkey – with Thomas and Susannah Pate. Their farm is one of a select few in the UK entrusted with rearing the revered KellyBronze breed, renowned for its exceptional flavour profile. The Pates manage a flock of 600 turkeys, which arrive as tiny day-old chicks, small enough to all fit comfortably in the back of the M3. However, our single purchase would grow to an impressive 15kg. A planned meeting with the flock was postponed, as the birds had wisely sought shelter from the deluge in their field accommodation. We arranged to return the following morning, hoping for a more forgiving meteorological outlook.
Upon our arrival at 8 am, we were greeted by a wonderfully chaotic symphony of clucks, squawks, and yelps. The highly inquisitive turkeys, displaying an unexpected eagerness, performed a comical waddling sprint to meet us in their two-acre haven of woodland and long grass. Their plumage was truly magnificent, exhibiting a deep, bronze-like hue with an almost iridescent sheen. The adolescent males sported prominent snoods and wattles – puce fleshy growths above and below their beaks – and proudly fanned their tail feathers. Interestingly, gender played no part in their social hierarchy; status was determined by a literal pecking order, with dominant individuals asserting their authority by nipping at their subordinates’ feathers. One particularly ambitious specimen even took a curious nibble at my wellington boots, and then my leg, a playful encounter that solidified my resolve to meet it again, perhaps in a less intimidating capacity, later in December. In the interim, we carefully loaded a whole, frozen turkey into the BMW.
In the immediate days leading up to Christmas, the Pates operate a direct-to-public sales system, offering fresh turkeys from the farm and at various collection points along the east coast. It was at one of these locations that we learned of a nearby vendor who also grew and sold vegetables. This presented an ideal opportunity to finally stretch the M3’s considerable legs. We crossed the Tay Road Bridge into Fife, and the open vistas beckoned.
In its most aggressive engine setting, the M3 CS remains largely restrained below 3000rpm. However, beyond this threshold, the acceleration becomes almost frighteningly forceful and relentless, possessing an almost exponential quality. With the exhaust flaps fully open, the rising revs unleash an ever-increasing cacophony of deep bass notes and an escalating sense of inductive aggression – dramatic, certainly, though perhaps not quite spine-tingling. The sweeping A92 proved to be the M3’s natural habitat, a perfect stage for consuming the miles with pace and unflappable balance, the car feeling as if it were seamlessly melded to the asphalt.
On the more technically demanding minor roads that followed, the M3 exhibited slightly less composure, both in terms of cornering inertia and ride suppleness. Nevertheless, the experience remained exhilarating, with the aggressively bolstered bucket seats providing unwavering support and holding us firmly in place.
With the M3 suitably warmed to its task, we pulled up outside Pittormie Fruit Farm, a compact 35-acre site managed by Euan Cameron and his family. Although the farm shop was closed after a busy summer of fruit sales, their honesty box remained a jangling testament to the steady supply of seasonal winter vegetables. These produce are also supplied to local restaurants and greengrocers. Cameron espouses an appealingly laissez-faire approach to cultivation, employing minimal fertilizers and eschewing fungicides and irrigation. He openly criticizes the artificial conformity and lack of seasonality inherent in contemporary supermarket produce, stating, “I don’t force things. I like it to get there naturally. I don’t care if something is fugly.”
His All-Terrain Vehicle (ATV) conveyed us to the colourful brassica beds, where he unearthed a magnificent “sprout tree” of the Bosworth variety, adorned with firm, verdant nuggets of Christmas delight. Cameron then presented us with an unfamiliar, deep purple-green mass of leaves, which he identified as kalette – a hybrid of Brussels sprouts and kale. Its florets, when cooked, achieve a delightful crispness, offering a nutty alternative for those who find traditional sprouts unappealing.
We were also in the right place for potatoes. Utilizing an old harvester that Cameron had painstakingly re-engineered himself, a modest two-acre plot yields an astonishing 22 varieties, many of which are niche and rarely encountered. His top recommendations for roasting were drier varieties such as Kerrs Pink and Golden Wonder, while his personal favourite for boiling, oiling, and air-frying was the waxier Wilja. Along with a few carrots, we loaded a generous bag of these earthy treasures into the BMW’s rear hatch.
With a supply of tomatoes and apples for snacking en route, we continued south across Fife’s quintessential rolling farmland, traversing gorse-lined B-roads. The M3’s steering, consistently precise, proved most effective in its heavier, more intuitive ‘Sport’ mode. The ‘Comfort’ setting, with its lighter feel, felt somewhat mismatched to the car’s considerable size and weight.
We were maintaining a spirited pace, and the middle of the three available gearbox settings, in both ‘Auto’ and ‘Manual’ modes, proved to be the most harmonious. In ‘Auto,’ it allowed sufficient revs without unnecessarily dwelling in the upper reaches of the power band. In ‘Manual,’ it offered responsive downshifts without the jarring, full-body convulsions sometimes experienced in the most aggressive setting. The optional £8800 carbon-ceramic brakes were both exceptionally controllable and ruthlessly effective.
The main coastal road brought our progress to a temporary halt, and we pulled up at a converted stone stable block that now houses Futtle Brewery. The brewery’s name is derived from an onomatopoeic Scots word describing the sound of pebbles being thrashed by the surf. A significant portion of the expansive, open-plan space is occupied by gleaming stainless-steel fermenters, where they meticulously brew high-quality, unfiltered organic lagers, wheat beers, spelt beers, and pale ales. In a cozy corner, Ethan Russell Hogg was tending the bar and curating the vinyl collection. “Our beers are fresh and different and take a long time to brew – six to eight weeks, sometimes more – which makes a higher-quality beer,” he explained. Unusually, they employ whole-leaf hops in their raw form, rather than pellets or oil, along with a blend of malted and unmalted grains, and locally foraged plants and seaweed to imbue their brews with unique flavours. Intriguingly, they also feature a ‘coolship’ – an open-topped copper vessel used for brewing Belgian lambic-style ‘wild beers’ that ferment by absorbing ambient yeasts before aging in old cider casks. The first two batches were scheduled for bottling by Christmas. For our feast, we selected a bottle of Futtle’s original ale, a cloudy but delightfully light Table Beer.
Our journey concluded with a brief, solitary mile to the idyllic fishing harbour of St Monans. Nestled into the harbour wall, bathed in the soft light reflecting off the pastel blue, two-storey building, is East Pier Smokehouse. Exposed to the full force of the waves on one side, this acclaimed yet remarkably accessible seafood restaurant offers an unparalleled dining experience. In their dining room and panoramic roof deck, they serve an exquisite array of seafood, including mackerel, langoustines, and lobster – all landed just yards away. Their offerings also extend to Cullen skink, crab, sea bass, octopus, and more, with takeaway options available, provided the kitchen can accommodate the demand. Chef and co-owner James Robb modestly describes the establishment as “a small, simple affair,” yet its most unique feature is anything but simple. A traditional smoker, no larger than a cupboard, opens directly onto the street. In use since the 1940s, its internal walls are now deeply encrusted with tar. At its base, a pair of angled channels allow Robb to burn oak and beech sawdust for 36 to 48 hours – depending on atmospheric conditions – to cold-smoke West Coast salmon. This is an exceptionally fickle, old-school approach, a stark contrast to modern smoking machines, sometimes necessitating midnight check-ups. However, Robb’s mastery of this process yields both traditional and a distinctive burgundy-hued, beetroot-cured salmon, available for both restaurant service and direct public sale.
I was treated to a plate of the latter, served with bread, butter, lemon, and capers. The flavour was a sublime symphony of sweet, smoky, and firm – unequivocally the finest I have ever experienced. It was the perfect, triumphant conclusion to our ten-component Christmas dinner: a feast crafted in Scotland, express-delivered by Munich, a testament to the remarkable journey we had undertaken.
This festive culinary pilgrimage, undertaken with the unparalleled performance and practicality of the BMW M3 CS Touring, has underscored the profound satisfaction that comes from sourcing the finest ingredients directly from their creators. As the scent of Christmas begins to fill the air, consider embarking on your own flavourful adventure. Explore your local producers, connect with the artisans who pour their passion into every product, and elevate your holiday table from ordinary to extraordinary. The pursuit of exceptional taste is a journey worth savouring.
